Butterfly kisses and Barfly Misses

So there is another guy in the mix, I gotta keep track of them all, how embarrassing, and I only really see myself really pursuing two of them, but I find it hard to turn a guy down that wants to take me out. So lets start with a list of everyone, for posterity, then I can add on today's Italian Comedian guy.


When I first moved here:

• Met a guy at the Blind Pig with his female coworker, they mostly talked and I drank a cider ale. I actually talked to her more than anything.

• Met a guy late one night in the library parking lot. He took me to dinner at Steak n Shake then we caught the midnight showing of Kill Bill Vol. I.

I told both those guys in November that I was moving back to Texas, and I really thought I was going to, but I ended up staying here through the holiday....


After Christmas and New Year's:

• Met a medical student named David at the library and he brought $5 in quarters so I could do my laundry and we could hang out and get to know each other. Well, he kept complimenting me and started trying to kiss me after about five minutes. Before the clothes were in the dryer good, I was on top of the washing machine, topless, legs akimbo with his face between them. It had been sooooo long since anybody had even touched me, so I was very sensitive and took a wee bit too long stopping him. I was able to get him to stop, and we talked a little bit more. After he went back to work, we exchanged a few txts and he told me he was going to be busy for a while. Yeah, haven't heard from him since.

• Met a guy who worked at CVS and I had already talked to him one day about their photo lab position. Turned out that he responded to my cl ad. We went to the movies and saw He's Just Not That Into You on a Sunday after exchanging a few txts Friday and talking on the phone for hours Friday night/Saturday morning. I found out he was bi, and since then we have basically become friends. He is actually kind of blunt, indifferent, and can joke in a mean way, but since every other guy I have met has tried to jump my bones, I like him because he hasn't. We have gone riding late at night into the early morning around town and the towns in the area just riding, talking, or listening to music, hanging out at a Walmart or Meijer. He bought me breakfast this morning and last time we rode he gave me a thorough tour of his hometown of Rantoul. From the stories he tells me, he has been with more guys than girls and he refers to himself as a gay guy but he is still kind of hung up on one of his ex girlfriends. Apparently, he only screws guys but he has relationships with chics. Not me though. I haven't even been to his place because he says his roommates are racist. Yeah, I can't decifer that one, so I am going to enjoy the air mattress he bought me from CVS with his discount and the two bags of Fritos flavor twists that he swiped for me as well.

• Matt.....his story has been told already, but he is one of the guys I am rooting for. I will have to transcribe some of his texts or snippets from his emails. We are still in contact and he has made it seem like he wants to keep in touch and maybe there will be something when I am finally legally and officially no longer married (I detest the term divorced)

• Met a PhD music student who also taught a few instruments and was a fan of Stargate. He knew about Matt and still wanted to get the chance to meet. We hung out at his apartment and watched The Secretary and a few episodes/movies of Stargate. I ate a little left over pizza and after we fooled around we got tacos from Taco Bell. He was in the middle of PhD testing that week and had been essentially sleeping two or three hours a night for a few weeks and I told him that I wished him good luck and told him to let me know when he was free. Since then, he emailed me (after I sent him another message) telling me "I really think we hit it off and everything but I would rather take it easy as friends" and that he is really busy and at a pivotal point in his life but I could email him whenever. Yeah, I decided that I would no longer pursue a guy and instead would let him pursue me. Of course, its a process and I still find myself nudging a few of them along time and again.

• Met a U of I junior at Cafe Luna last Thursday after babysitting. He responded to my ad, sent a pic, and told me he had a mohawk. We met at the terminal and walked to the Cafe. My friend had given me some left over dip and chips and after we enjoyed a few hours talking til the cafe closed Paul offered to carry my stuff as he walked me home. He looked cold so I wrapped my arm around his for the last part of the walk. At my door, we sort of stood looking at each other and he hugged me, but instead of just going in, since I really wanted to kiss him, I went in again but he went in at a sidehug and gave me a kiss somewhere near the bottom of my cheek. We tried, unsuccessfully, one last time and then I went inside. As akward as it was, I loved how simple and innocent and classic it was. I told him during the date that I had planned on dressing "cute" but didn't have time to change after babysitting and he said I did look cute. He later asked me if I had ever been to Ko Fushion and when I told him no he said we should go. I responded that in fact, how about we meet next time there and dress snazzy. So it became our "fancy pants" dinner.

• Met a stay at home dad for breakfast and he brought his son. We ate at Taffies then we hung out at his house while his adopted Vietnamese son napped. He told me that he told his wife we were meeting and he made it clear that he just needed to get out of the house and have some adult interaction. I was kind of quiet and let him sort of use me as a soundboard and thought of it as my good deed for the day. I am not trying to be his woman on the side, no ma'am, but I do understand going stir crazy and its nice to have a friend that you can talk to and maybe share some innocent flirting with. We are getting together tomorrow morning to watch a movie or something before I have to get ready for orientation at the State Farm job. I find that I operate best when I have something solid to look forward to in my week.

• Met an older gentleman who does recruiting for a mechanics school and travels within Central Illinois. His house in the suburbs of Chicago has been on the market for about 18 months and his job has been putting him up in a hotel for that time and he wanted to get together with me on Saturday after returning from a day trip to Chicago. The idea was that we would play scrabble and chill in his room. On the way to pick me up, he had a bottle of cheap wine from the Country Pantry or some kind of store. We watched tv, did play scrabble (I won at the last possible moment), we ate some sausage and pasta dish, then he gave me my prize, a massage, and I didn't realize how tense I was. He barely pressed into my shoulders and I was seriously wincing. Of course, clothes came off and I ended up doing something that I never thought I would again, I let a man besides my husband, AWOL as he is, inside of me. And he had a small curved thing too. The thing was though that his machinations on my chest had me finished in ten minutes but he kept going for at least another half hour. And he was having trouble getting the condom to stay on, but it did, made sure of that. Afterward, we watched a little more tv, I had a snack, and we went to sleep. When we woke up, he took me to breakfast at Panera's then dropped me off at my apartment. My roommate was up and asked if I had been at home that night or if I had stayed over someplace and I answered directly but vaguely and there were no follow up questions.

There haven't been any since he saw me walk in the morning after Valentine's day with a bouquet of flowers and I told him I wasn't dating the guy and I hadn't had anyone over. Then I told him that the guy didn't like me anymore after Matt first cut things off. I have no idea what he thinks is going on with me, but I believe that as soon as I start getting my weekly checks, things are going to go a lot smoother between us. Plus I won't have time to be going all around town. Now, the crazy thing is I totally deleted those posts so I have no idea how they are still online and getting responses.

• Then there was this afternoon. A half Italian comedian met me for lunch at the food court and he was funny, a young 30 year old decent looking guy, uneducated, rough past, two marriages and kids, but he got a little weird right off the bat when he kept saying how beautiful I was and joking about us getting married. After lunch, we walked around, and he took my hand and said how glad he was that we met. I stepped into the arcade to play a quick game of DDR which I haven't done in ages. He didn't want to do it. We then went to Macy's since they are one of his sponsors and I looked for a dress but couldn't find my size so one of the sales associates helped me try and find a decent outfit. None of the pants fit and only two of the six tops fit. They were XL and size 18. The guy thought I shouldn't worry about loosing weight, that I looked great as I was, and I was trying to explain that I wasn't looking to drop 100 lbs, I just wanted to be a comfortable size 16 again so I could shop in regular stores for trendy clothes. He ended up buying me one of the blouses. On the way out of the mall, we stopped at a candy store and bought me some candy. He gave me a ride to the library and gave me a button and one of the knecklaces that he sells on the road. Nothing expensive, but it was clear that the guy was into me. And you know what, I was not that into him. He used the call back a bit too much and made me and the sales girl a little uncomfortable when he went on about "pee coats". Apparently he had never heard of them before. He held my hand and gave me side hugs and when he finally stopped talking in the parking lot of the library and I was getting ready to leave, he gave me another hug and two small pecks on the lips. He is leaving today for a 12 day trip for a Biker convention or something in Florida, and thankfully he did say that he was fine if we were just friends but I knew he was already planning our first dinner date.

After all the guys and mixed signals and unreturned calls, txts, or emails I get a guy that is genuinely smitten with me and I am just not that into him. He calls himself The Mohawk. Isn't fate cruel? Anyway, later on this week, I have my first "date" with a 38 year old English teacher named Mark who is in the midst of changing careers. He taught in the bay area after college only to move back here when he got burned out and wanted to be closer to his parents. Also, the real highlight of the week is the second date with Paul at a sushi bar called Ko Fushion. I haven't heard from him, sent him a text I believe yesterday with something innnocuous like, "Hope your weekend went well, unless its still going on..." He hasn't emailed me, but I told him that I would let him know my schedule as soon as I found out. I think enough time has passed for me to call him and let him know when I am free, right? Well, I still haven't slept yet since I got home yesterday (Sunday) from my night of debauchery and ate, spent a few hours thoroughly cleaning the bathroom which I don't think my roommate ever cleaned since he first moved in, and then went riding around with Scott (CVS guy) so I have to go to bed at a decent hour but don't want to wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep.

*Tears up* Champagne Supernova by Oasis is playing in the background and I am shaking almost here at the library starring at the emailed pic of Matt. Why am I jonesing? Yesterday/this morning/last night while I was riding around and hanging with Scott I had some mood swings and saw things in my peripheral. Not a good sign, and I haven't even started working yet. I am so afraid of going crazy again and ruining all the ground I have gained in this time, like I have done for the past two years straight.

Why why why why whyyyyyyy?

-lyrics playing right now-

Ok. I got up and used the restroom, I am ok now. I have tomorrow morning to look forward to, with the movies with Chip. I have tomorrow night's orientation for State Farm. I have Wednesday filing the petition for divorce and I have the Cracker Barrel orientation Friday afternoon. I am going to call Paul and tell him I am free Friday night or Saturday night and whichever one he can't do I will work at State Farm that night. I am hoping he can do Friday night cause I don't mind working at State Farm all day Saturday unless I need some of that time for Cracker Barrel. I will keep you all posted, and more importantly, I vow to keep my legs closed until not only the divorce is final but I am at least in a serious and committed relationship with someone who likes and cares about me.


I don't think there is anything else to add about what has been going on with me. Feel free to comment.

Adventures on Craigslist

So last night, a comedian who has been responding to my craigslist ad called me and we talked, supposedly decided to catch a late movie. However, another young gentleman, rather he was an older gentleman, got a hold of me and offered to hang out at his hotel and play scrabble or grab a drink. He is selling his house in Chicago and he travels for his job so they have been putting him up in a hotel for about 18 months. So I got together with this guy, we did watch tv and play scrabble, he cooked some sausage and pasta dish and after we ate, we basically got it on. I mean, he was in really good shape, outlasted me by at least half an hour, then we watched a little more tv and went to sleep. We woke up around ten and he took me to a place called Panera for breakfast. I got a panini looking all natural egg and applewood bacon sandwich with organic yogurt, granola and maple pecans and strawberries and he got an egg sandwich with sausage and coffee. We showed each other youtube videos, then he dropped me off. I just sent him a thank you email and don't know if I will hear from him again or not. I mean, he was handsome, smart, funny, had been in theatre so was a little animated, and I was able to joke with him and obviously feel very comfortable with him but at some points in our romp I was thinking of how I had recently done the same thing with Matt, albiet me and Matt went without a glove, and before that it had been with Stephen. I suddenly and fiercly wanted my husband. Not necessarily Stephen but the man who I was married to who I could give myself completely to. I tried to ignore the thought, and it did go away after a while, but it still stuck with me as I tried to sleep. He wasn't a spooner or cuddler. Matt was.

I have a date later this week with Paul and I am actually really looking forward to it. I talked to Lisa this morning and after being "dating girl" for almost a month I really want to get back to being in a relationship with a guy. Actually, scratch that, I want to experience a real relationship with a guy who I know likes me and wants to be with me and I want to be with him. A majority of my relationships from high school through my marriage were me pulling the strings and convincing both myself and the guy that we were together and belonged together. Nearly every year of my marriage Stephen and I had a huge discussion about whether or not to stay together. Usually it was him debating whether or not to leave. It was like he always had one foot out the door. I would like to be rid of the drama that has become our non-existant but legally binding relationship. I want to have a boyfriend that calls or txts or emails that I can talk to and not have to juggle with rando other guys who are looking for a quick f*ck.

Head spinning, heart pounding, life stopping awesomeness!!

So started next week, not only will I be employed, but I will have both a full time and a part time job and I believe, borrowing going crazy, I will be able to work both as long as the bus can get me to them on time. The full time job is through one of my temp agencies at State Farm doing surveys of current customers in the evening. The part time job is in the country store in Cracker Barrel. With both jobs, I will have a take home pay of at least $1,500 a month. That is perfect, cause with 6 months I will have the $9,000 I need for Stanford. Unfortunately, that throws a monkey at the wrench in the plans of moving in with my darling and awesome friend Lisa in June. Unless, I used all my money to pay off my debt and move after I have done that and saved the money for Stanford. So I would be looking at a year of working these two jobs and God willing if I don't go crazy, I will be out of debt and have the money for Stanford by next summer. That's a liberating idea.


The other great thing that happened was my first best ever classic date. The guy in the middle of this picture responded to one of my craigslist ads, called and set up a coffee date after I was done babysitting. We sat and drank white chocolate cocoa and enjoyed each other's company for a few hours. We talked til the place closed! Then, since it was so cold outside, he offered to walk me home. We walked arm in arm and he carried the dip and chips my friend had given me. When we got to the door, I wanted to kiss him, but hugged him instead. Then, he leaned in again after we paused a moment to look at each other again and went for another hug/cheek kiss. We did that one more time before I said goodnight and went in.

During the date, he said I looked good, since I told him I didn't have a chance to change for the date. He then went on to say there was a great sushi place nearby and we could go there. I told him, we could do that the next time we got together and we would dress up for that. He also was a great gentleman, interesting and interested in what I had to say, and he has a mohawk. I thought it would be weird, but he totally pulls it off. He is taller than me and is a junior at U of I majoring in biology. He plays drums and guitar and is really into music. Sweet guy. I am so glad the date didn't end on a couch or bed and when I sent him a thank you email he responded the next morning saying he had a great time too and was looking forward to our next get together.


Now, since Wednesday, I have had 2 guys respond to my cl ads, call me and set something up, then fall off the face of the earth. I told my friend down here about it, and I was like, "What happened?" and he goes, "Their wives." This morning, I had breakfast and hung out with a stay at home dad that was looking for some adult conversation and a chance to get out of the house or spend time with someone. His wife works all the time and he wasn't looking for a fwb or nsa anything. He brought his adopted Vietnamese son, 2 years old, and we ate at a place then talked at his house while his son took a nap. I was quiet, thinking he really wanted a soundboard, then he started asking me why I was so quiet. His wife knew we were getting together and I didn't feel akward, I just didn't want to be "on" you know. I didn't want to try and charm or impress him because I didn't want to put myself in a situation that I would regret.

I figured I would give him something to break up the monotony of his life at the moment and told him I wouldn't mind getting together again. While I was hanging out with him, two guys tried calling me but my phone was on silent. Now, I can't get ahold of either of them. I am just looking for stuff to fill in the gaps until sushi night and then when Matt gets back into town. Until I have a boyfriend, I am going to keep meeting and getting together with guys. Not sleeping around, just hanging out. Why not, free food/movies, and having a guy usually tell me I am beautiful. As long as I don't get hacked to pieces its a great idea.

He's Just Not That Into Me

I got stood up last night by a 40 something construction owner. He emailed, flirted via email, called and said he would pick me up after a shower and we could grab a light bite. He never called. A friend said his wife probably got home. That friend is bi and driving me crazy. He is kind of rude, his roommates are racist and that's the reason he won't take me there, but he drives me around, buys me an air mattress and frito twists with his cvs discount, and txts me off and on. I just got an email from a suitor that insisted on meeting me in the midst of phD exams even after i told him that another guy asked me to the movies that weekend. We met, hung out and made out at his place and he got me taco bell afterward. He says that he wants to take it easy as friends. Sure, ok, cause when you couldnt' keep your hands off of me and insisted on me staying despite the all nighter you had in front of you I totally felt that "friend" vibe too. That rat bastard.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me...

So why is the solution to eat worms? At least you aren't pulling a Columbine or Virginia Tech, by the way that school has got some problems. I hear someone recently got decapitated there. Yesh! Anyway, its been a while since I have ventured to describe my life in a verbose and pithy way to those who deem it necessary to keep up on such things and I suppose it would only be cordial to do so now.


I am currently residing in Champaign, IL and have been since the end of September last year. My roommate went to math camp with me, and we both ended up at Stanford. When he heard my sob story of a life last summer, he offered me a room rent free, bus ticket, and no bills as long as I agreed to work and save basically all my money in order to return to Stanford. Since then, I have worked a total of 2 weeks through temp agencies but unfortunately have not saved much.

My husband decided that the bipolar was too much and during last year's annual clusterf*k withdrew from our lease and called it quits. I lived alone for the duration of the six month lease and managed to stay out of mental wards but still accumulated a few thousand in medical bills. I tried a few times to get him to reconcile, but lately, as in the past two months, he has been awol so I can take the hint. He's just not that into me.


Which brings me to the next aspect of my current life. During the winter holiday, the first away from home in life, I was alone and sad and decided to find friends online via craigslist. When I first got here to Champaign, I met two guys: one at a bar called the Blind Pig who spent the entire time talking with his female co-worker, and another hard working guy who took me to Steak n Shake and a midnight showing of Kill Bill V. 1. I thought I was going to go home in Nov so I deleted their nums, txts, and emails and didn't think two cents about it. After December, responses came in to meet and go out. I met an older gentleman, retired, who has taken me out to a Chinese buffet place and an African drums performance. He works at the community radio station dj-ing world music. There was a med student who gave me quarters for laundry and tried to do me in the laundry room. Then I never heard from him again. When I was looking to work at CVS I asked a guy behind the counter about their photo lab position. He ended up responding to one of my ads and we went to the movies. He got me an air mattress with his discount, and also bought me some oh so hard to find fritos flavor twists. We have gone driving around, he turned out to be bi and is more gay than straight. He is also a bit blunt, kind of mean, and likes to put ppl down. But he gave me a ride home one night when the bus didn't show and since I know he's not gonna try to sleep with me, mostly bc his roommates are racist, I consider him a friend.

And then there was a certain someone. Now, up to this point, I really did consider myself just being out there, having fun, getting a few meals and some free movies, but one guy changed all that. He responded to an ad one Saturday and we meet at the library. We went to the movies, he asked if I was hungry, and he decided to take me to a place near his apartment. It turned out to be an Italian restaurant called Biaggi's. Yeah. He got me two glasses of Bricco Riella while we waited for our table. We shared a beet salad and I had lobster and black fettuchinni while he had veal parmasean. The waitress, Jess, served our water in a pitcher I hadn't seen before and I asked her what kind it was. He responds, "Oh, that's a carafe." She and I both looked at him, eyebrows raised, and she says, "Ooh, he's a keeper. That's right." Up to this point, he had been funny, clearly intelligent, and seemed to be enjoying himself. After the meal, he still wanted to hang out and it wasn't late, so we watched movies and british comedy shows on his laptop at his apartment.

Now, what happened next was one of the sweetest things that has ever happened to me, so unexpected, and I won't soon forget it. Since I was cold, he gave me a quilt his grandmother had made and kind of cuddled to keep me warm. After two shows, he whispers in my ear, "Can I kiss you?" I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the line of, "Do you really think youhave to ask?"

Okay, before I go on, I know what you may be thinking. Yes, though Stephen and I are separated according to the state of Texas we are still legally married. There is no such thing as legal separation in Texas and Stephen hasn't been able to afford a divorce, thus, we are "broken up" but not legally so. I was aware of all those things as I looked him in the eye and gave him my lips.

We made out, PG stuff, and he was actually the one that decided to slow things down. I thought, what a gentleman, how novel of him, then he asks what I want to do. I give him the old, "I don't know, what do you wanna do?" and he suggests a shower. Yeah! Now, it took my husband months to get me comfortable enough to see me naked with lights on. I clung to the towel and jumped quickly into the shower trying to cover myself as best as I could while also maintaining eye contact. I am not big on seeing a guy naked, even when Stephen and I showered, but we did take a shower together. So random.

After we were back in his room, we fell asleep to one of his bad movies and the next morning he took me to breakfast at a local diner I had heard about but never been to. I knew at this point that I wouldn't see him again for at least 2 weeks since his job was sending him to TX for a project. I had an opportunity to tell him about my current relationship status, but when he chose to hear the story about the mental ward over the story about my last name, I didn't offer the information again.

The two weeks he was away, we txt/talked on the phone nearly every day. We also emailed. The entire time, I was trying to get ahold of Stephen to explain to him what was going on and let him know that I was willing to drop the reconciliation schtick and move on to documents and legal fees and such. Phone tag, except he isn't taggin me. Only txtng that he will call only to not call at all. So when this guy comes back into town in happens to be Valentine's Day weekend.

We spent the weekend moving him out of his apartment into a new one. A coworker was getting married and needed someone to take over the lease while she moved in with a fiance. We had to stop by his job and I got to meet her. She said he gave all the girls in the office a daisy. I got a bouquet. My first bouquet of flowers. We did go see "He's Just Not That Into You" and went to Sonic for dinner, Subway for lunch, and Perkins for breakfast. I cooked him baked potatoes, brussel sprouts in butter sauce and bbq chicken legs for dinner Friday. We played boggle, watched youtube videos, listened to smooth jazz, and put together a futon we got at Walmart. I finally told him Saturday night when we were showing each other pictures online.

The next day, he said he needed time to do some moving on his own, so after breakfast he dropped me off. I didn't think I would hear from him again, so when he called later that night I was surprised. He didn't, however, invite me back to his apartment and I figured something was up. So I txtd him and found out that he didn't like the fact that I waited so long to tell him about being separated. Disloyalty had torn his family apart and there was nothing more to read into so he wished me good luck.

I had never tried to call the suicide hotline before, so I figured the first time I should pay attention in case I needed to again in the future and could zip through any rigamarole. Well, after I bypassed the automated message, the phone cut off before I could say hello to the volunteer taking my call. Thankfully, a good friend from high school was up at the time and we talked. Lately, I have been experiencing boughts of depression and fighting the desire to self-medicate, self-mutilate, and suicidal ideation. I have since then started trying to go outside to the park more often, finally got a plastic storage dresser for my clothes so they aren't strewn about the floor on a regular basis, and have my air mattress with the sleeping bag and throw on top.

I apologized to him, he has since accepted my apology and we are sort of talking about it. It snowed today. I am waiting to start my part time job at Cracker Barrel next week and tomorrow I have a one day data entry job through one of my temp agencies. My friend from Stanford Lisa Smith and I are thinking of moving in together in Palo Alto come June. Its something to hope for and look forward to. She is a great friend and I don't have too many of those left over after these past few years. My room is full of Nicholas Sparks romance novels and classics like Catch 22 and Animal Farm. I have been attending a non-denominational church with a girl who I sat next to during the week I worked at the Muscular Dystrophy Association cold calling people to get them to sign up for a fundrasier in which they were supposed to come up with $1,000. That was the first job I had here back in November. About a month ago, I saw her in the library and we have been hanging out or I have been babysitting for her and its good that I saw her again. I like the pastor at the church I am attending, but I am afraid to get too involved for fear that it will feed into my mania.

I am due for a crazy storm starting next month. I can feel it coming sure as old ppl can feel rain miles away. There are some mental health centers in town that I want to look into because I think group sessions will be beneficial for me. I have started doing a little research into bipolar and reading books written by bipolar women. One interesting tidbit that kept coming up was feeling more attractive or having more promiscuous tendencies during manic phases. That explains a few poor decisions I have made in the past.

I believe that is everything going on at the moment. I still haven't heard from Stephen and if I could I would file for divorce myself. I used to think that no other guy would want me, that I would be that young divorcee, crazy no less, and would spend my years alone. If I have learned one thing during these past few weeks its that there are guys out there who find me attractive and recognize my intelligence and admire my quirks. There is hope for me. I no longer want to keep talking Stephen into staying with me. If he doesn't want it, then I don't want it. I do, however, need to get some things settled with him before I can move on. And I feel now that I can move on and it can be better and I pray that it will.

Who Says the New Year Has to Start in January?

I am currently in the library, listening to the Simpsons, glancing at the gmail tab for an email from someone, a particular someone, watching mythbuster videos on youtube, and creating this blog! So many things have happened to me already this new year, I should recount them:

I spent my first winter holiday away from my family and alone in Champaign, IL

I added a 4th temp agency to my list of agencies that are supposed to be employing me here in town

My husband started to really and vigorously ignore me

I started dating guys only to find out that most just want to get into my pants and the one that did actually led me to believe that there was hope for me to have a good relationship with a good man

I got my first bouquet of flowers from a guy who wanted me to have them-for Valentine's Day

I finally worked, and two different times, for two different temp agencies

I got employed, albeit part time, for the Cracker Barrel

I have already experienced suicidal ideation, called and got disconnected from the Suicide Hotline, and resisted the urge to run a small kitchen knife across my wrist a few times

Yeah, hate to end on such a low note, but those things were listed in no particular order.

My goals for this year include:

Getting healthy - such a broad notion but regular exercise and fruits/vegetables consumed on a regular basis seems doable

Getting out of debt - or at least paying down my debt and setting up settlements and payment plans

Saving the money for Stanford - i can't finish my senior year and graduate with a degree in....*sigh* African and African American Studies until I pay Stanford $9,100. My sabbatical is going on a lot longer than I thought and perhaps if I do decide to join to peace corps or teach english in japan it won't matter what my major is.

Figuring out what I want to do with my life - writer, inspirational speaker, English or Reading or Math teacher, College professor teaching about black hair or blacks in Japan, stay at home mother and wife, I don't quite know but I would hope that by the time I am 30, God willing I live that long, I will have a career, a home, and a man to share it with.

Movin in with my main girl Lisa - Living with a friend who is a girl and is awesome, practically the twin sister I never had, and working in California so close to Stanford then making it out there seems as close to a dream of making it in New York or L.A. as is what I would want for myself. I think NY would be dirty and mean and L.A. would be depressing and expensive with all the beautiful successful ppl floating around

Working on me - Blinded by the Shamika is actually a phrase on urban dictionary: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shamika and apparently my name is associated with going ghetto out of anger, stealing, or some random list of qualities someone thought of. I want to find out what "Shamika" means to me, especially before I go sharing it intimately with someone else. What do I like, what do I like to do, what kinds of things are important to me, how do I weigh in on the issues, what kind of person do I want to be?



Well, read on to find out as I answer those questions and more. I only have 8 more minutes online before I have to go home, read, avoid overeating, and wonder at what tomorrow will bring me. So I am going to use the rest of this time to listen to some melancholy music like Ingrid Michaelson, Rogue Wave, Blue October, and The Postal Service.