This Fast is Going Kind of Slowly...

Day 13

I have nearly finished the book Undressed by Jason Illian and have been steadily reading Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Henry McCloud and John Townsend.  Practical, Christian perspectives and Biblical foundations for relationships, dating, and sex.  I appreciate this time of stepping back from boys and getting closer to the Lord on where I stand in all those issues.  Learning from my repeated patterns, mistakes, past, as well as getting to know myself now, I feel confident that I will emerge from the fast stronger in my faith and able to have a healthy relationship.  Encouraged today by a good co-worker of mine and previously by my therapist, I am going to list a few traits and characteristics that I in this moment would look for and adore in a guy:

Christian - attends church regularly, has spiritual disciplines (Bible reading, prayer life), able to both challenge and support me in my faith and growth in faith

Education - ideally college student/graduate

Personae and Such - Not shy, humorous, positive, non-smoker, romantic (ok with pda, has some experience with dating so I don't feel like I am mentoring/tutoring/parenting during the relationship, would write letters to me even though we could [and probably would] text and email), older than me, has a car, job, and career goals (general or specific, as long as there is a desire to aspire), doesn't use foul language, respectful, playful, interested in dating seriously and long term, has a good relationship with his family, has hobbies, likes to (or is willing to) dance, not a heavy drinker, doesn't do drugs, likes video games but not to the exclusion of a social life


I am sure there will be more things to add as the fast, and life, go on.


And now for something completely different!

In Cracker Barrel related news, I happened to have an idea dropped into my kool aid at work today.  During a training course, I found out about Cracker Barrel's Internship Program in which a person is trained for management.  Since our store already has a manager, and I hadn't thought past working as an employee to pay off my Stanford bill, I never thought past getting to a Par IV in retail.  However, after talking with the trainer this afternoon, I realized:

I could be trained for management by this time next year.  The company could pay to relocate me to a store that does need a retail manager, and I would have a next step for life.  Christy, one of my current roommates and a future roommate for next school year, will be graduating and at the moment, I don't see myself living with anyone else here in town after she leaves next year.  Originally, I was going to come back to Lincoln Place apts and have two more random roommates, however, with the management plan, I could have the company relocate me to any of the nearly 600 stores in the country!  I was excited as I thought about being able to move almost anywhere in the country to a salaried position.  Instead of slowly paying off just the Stanford bill, with this plan, I could be paying everything off in the same time I figured it would take to pay off the Stanford bill (almost 5 years).  I would like to return to Stanford before I am 30, or at least by the time I am 30.  With the salaried position with Cracker Barrel, over the next five years, I could pay off all my debts, rebuild my credit, buy a really inexpensive used car and have it paid off by the time I return to the farm.  Not to mention the awesome work experience this will provide me and amazing life experiences.

All that wonderful excitement said, that gives my life a wider scope, a little more meaning in this braided stream of living.  I have something to work toward in terms of my career at Cracker Barrel.  I am not just going to be another employee.  Then, when I am relocated, I get to begin again somewhere new with new people and a new hope that, Lord willing if the creek don't rise, I will not only pay off Stanford, but I will completely be able to turn around my financial situation and proudly return to the farm with my head high and my credit right.  I am delighted about it all.  In the past week or so since I was promoted to a Par III, I had been thinking about what I would do after Christy left and what directions I could take my life.  Moving back home to San Antonio, or to France to be an au pair, Canada to be a CNA, Houston to live with Candace, the bay area to live both closer to Stanford and closer to Lisa...but coming to this idea today, it makes sense and I feel good about it.  So many benefits.  Even though I would be leaving a place I have honestly come to love, I know now that I can just pick up and go somewhere new and God will provide a place to live, a job to work, a church to fellowship, and friends to have.

Boys Boys Boys

Even if Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite, she still wants men.  Good for her.

I have decided to step out of the dating pool, get myself cleaned up, suited up, and digested before i re-enter truly ready to open myself up to true love, real love, crazy love. Already, I am feeling the pangs of withdrawal.  Like a drug, the small crushes I had or the drama surrounding various relationships in my life gave me a sort of high I could find no where else in my life.  Even tonight, as I get ready for bed, I desperately want someone next to me.  My mouse, given to me by a friend, cannot hold me.  I want to talk with a boy, flirt with a boy, kiss a boy, touch a boy, be touched by a boy...however, I appreciate what I am doing with the fast and have already overcome tremendous temptation.  I have cut off all communication with any guy who isn't already solidly a friend.  It took a few days but I have my basic guidelines for my fast.  I spend a few moments first and last thing of the day talking to God, I have a 21 day devotional, perfect for my time frame, and I have also bought, borrowed, and checked out books I believe will bring the most fruit during the rest of my lent.  One of the books, the one I bought, talks mainly about boundaries.  My therapist gave me some homework to do on the subject and I found it extremely helpful in pointing out my weakness in setting and honoring boundaries.  So far, its difficult being so far from my man drama, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am like the junkie in rehab, just getting over the sweats and chills...hopefully.

Lent

For Lent this year, I decided to both observe the spiritual fast and sacrifice Facebook.  However, there was something else I knew I should have given up in order to focus more on my relationship with God: boys. More specifically gentlemen callers. As it were, I picked Facebook on Ash Wednesday and thought, "Oh well, maybe next year I will forgo men" and thought I was in the clear. Then the church that my roommate and I often attend declared a church-wide fast to begin Sunday March 14th. For the past two weeks, my roommate has been finishing off all the sugar-filled items she has in the apartment in preparation for her sugar fast. I looked on thinking to myself, "I couldn't fast any kind of food, especially sugar! I have heard of the Daniel Fast, but I don't really feel led to do that either." So I helped her eat her cinnamon rolls believing that I was supporting her.

Then, Saturday afternoon, I could not ignore the fact that I had succeeded in having two gentlemen calling on me at the same time. So shady, so not me. I didn't want to turn either of them away for different reasons, but I also didn't see myself long term with either of them as well. My roommate reminded me of the fast and how I could fast anything, not just food. And there was my solution. I could tell both men that I decided to join my church fast and that for the next three weeks, I would be off the market. It will give me the space I need to gently but firmly break things off with both guys, but more importantly help give me the room and focus in my life I should have sought initially from my observance of Lent. After my mini-mardi gras last night, I am ready to repent and be absolved of my sins and embrace the dating life that God calls me into.

Day One: After the remnants of mini-mardi gras were cleaned away (aka sent home), I slept for eight more hours, missed church, mourned the loss of the spring forward hour, and spent the night helping a friend from class do his laundry, watch a movie, and eat dinner. He's way younger, totally not dateable, so I figured hanging with guys who are already friends and who haven't expressed romantic feelings is fine. I hope to spend more time in the word so I am going to make a trip over to the Christian Family Bookstore for a study aid to help structure my readings over the next three weeks. I am also looking forward to inviting God back into my life and engaging in conversations with Him more than saying grace or the errant prayer.

Losing Weight, Feeling Great!

Since last year, I have lost 15lbs. I have decided to focus on healthy choices overall instead of pounds lost, but I do keep track every month I see my psychiatrist. What I eat, when, and walking or biking whenever I can have all contributed to slimming down. Now that the weather is starting to get nicer, I will be able to walk or bike for leisure instead of pure sole transportation and have discovered a few food combinations like frozen veggies and fish that work for me.

I performed at V. Picasso's new open mic night last Wednesday and had so much fun. The stage is such a natural medium for me. Hostessing the show and reciting both poetry and my own prose, I felt like my truest self.

As of late, I have been accumulating suitors. Odd to have not only one but two guys who like me.  I have so much to learn both about myself and the wiles of men.

Sticking with keeping my work schedule during the week, I am hoping to decrease my stress and lessen the intensity of my psychotic symptoms. Seeing and hearing things that no one else does is only the beginning. Thinking someone called my name or is whistling right behind me, that is nothing compared to what I could be hearing and believing. As much beef as I practically got from various managers about choosing not to work Saturdays and Sundays, I am being as pre-emptive as possible for my mental health. Someone told me that as long as I am working, I will most likely not get disability. In tat case, I will keep appealing until I return to campus and not work as a student or something.

My mom is on vacation in Vegas again this week. She goes every year now. I am glad she is having fun and enjoying her life. Despite the fact that my youngest sister and her child along with my younger brother are living with her, my mom is living in her own one bedroom apartment, with her paid off vehicle, and I am proud of her.  My sister, the older youngest one, has a car but no license so my youngest sister drives her around. At least she has a system there.

Since I am going to be trying to live with Christy next year, I am figuring in what it will mean to be in Illinois for at least another two or three years. Paying $135 a month, it will take about three more years to get it down to a reasonable amount for Mary Morrison to work with. Chances are good that as long as they accept it, I will be donating plasma every week for an additional $200 a month. That will take care of my meds, therapy appointments, and going out money.

I have been approved for a fee waiver with the court and will be getting the papers sent to the Bexar County Sheriff tomorrow to be served to Stephen. Within 30 days of that, I will have a hearing. Once the hearing is done, I have to send a copy of the judgement to Stephen then a certificate saying I mailed a copy of the judgement to Stephen and I will be divorced officially. I believe that when he originally left me, our covenant was broken (in sickness and in health). I offered reconciliation and he hasn't taken it so our covenant has remained broken. With that understanding and Paul's advice in 1 Corinthians 7, which I have mentioned several times, I have peace about the situation. I still, however, remember things almost daily that I used to have which have now been thrown away under Stephen's care. I also remember randomly, every once in a while, how we used to be. How I used to feel. I know its a process. And now is the time to embrace the grieving process truly as this is the final curtain call for our relationship.