I pray, you pray, we pray

I was told by a co-worker and Bishop Gwin to pray for my husband and the situation. That is what I am going to do. I will be back in Texas next August and back at Stanford in September. There is no need for me to pursue any relationship here in Illinois between now and then because it will just end in heartache and sadness because we won't be able to continue through my college years. And, if Stephen and I get back together, I am not one to have a boyfriend on the side. Also, there are plenty of fish in the Stanford sea if Stephen decides not to reconcile. ;)


I am resolved to be patient, pray, learn how to fast, and wait him out. Whatever we end up doing, I will know that I tried everything within my power to rectify and reconcile with Stephen, my husband.


In Jesus Name,

Amen

Mini Update

Stephen is still AWOL. I suggested we try couples counseling before we start filing paperwork with courts, via voicemail of course. I am awaiting, yet, a response. If I don't hear back within a reasonable amount of time, say two more weeks, I will move forward with the paperwork. Its just mailing him waivers he has to sign and the petition. But its a clear and definitive step toward ending the marriage and its big. I don't want to take that step until I am absolutely sure there is no hope left in reconciliation. I am thinking maybe someone talked to Stephen and scarred him back out of the relationship. I am not planning to return to San Antonio until next August during the interim between my lease here and starting back at Stanford in the fall. So that is a long time for me not to hear from my husband and I would hate to believe that I have to be there in person for him to deal with us and me.

Stephen sent this picture to my phone during the small window of time that we were reconciled and in communication. Ever since he stopped answering my calls and texts, I took it off the screensaver of my phone and haven't really dwelled on it. I believe Stephen is a handsome guy, good looking, his size was never an issue with me, I didn't mind him being slender. Just like he never minded when I gained weight. He knew me back when I was 160 and a 36C. Now I am 249 and a 44DD-46D.

Looking at this picture after all this time, its like looking at a familiar stranger. I can't really describe it. A co-worker at Cracker Barrel asked me, well do you still love him?


I paused. I thought. The answer did not leap from my lips automatically or as a knee jerk response, "Yes of course" or "No, not anymore." It did not flow naturally and clearly from my mind. There was nothing there. All the feelings I had for Stephen had drained a long time ago when I first came to terms with his incommunicative behavior and the potential fate of my less than five year marriage. I was at a loss, not only of words, but of emotions. Of feelings toward my husband. What do I feel about Stephen now?

I am no longer a switch that can turn it off and on, compartmentalize, and shut off parts of my life to my brain in order to deal. I have access to all 8 cylinders and I am working to make sure they are all in working condition before I jump either back into a relationship with Stephen or into a new courtship with someone. I would have to date Stephen again and develop the feelings nearly from scratch. Our shared history and inside jokes are not going to be the foundation of our marriage. Cleary, they are not enough.

Pledge Sister

Acknowledging that God has made me in His Image, made my body to be His Temple, and has graciously saved me and removed me from my sin, it is my desire to please Him.

From this day forward, I, Shamika Goddard, vow before God and witnesses, in obedience to God's Word, to keep myself chaste and pure, to give myself totally and only to the mate that God is preparing for me.

May this pledge I make today, Wednesday April 22, 2009, honor You, God, and bring Glory to Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Decisions

I chose the apt with $303 rent, free internet, and two roommates. I think its a better deal than the other two apts I looked at because its cheaper than both and furnished. I also think living alone like I did last summer may cause me to stay up when I am anxious (a.k.a scared) because I won't have anyone around to validate my reality when I hear bumps in the night or my brain insists on thinking of scary things.

So! I move in in August and when the lease is up, will go home to Texas for about a month. If things haven't been worked out yet between me and Stephen, that will be his last chance unless he explicitly tells me that he no longer wants to be together or have anything to do with me. For right now in my life, I am thinking on this summer time, three jobs, paying off Stanford, Wood Hollow Apts, and check systems so that I can open a Chase bank account.

Because of the two weeks I missed out on work, I had small checks and was not able to cover the check for my therapist this week. I have to pay $30 to Bank of America because they covered the check and I won't have money for this week's session until Thursday when I cash my check instead of deposit it. I am going to have to set up direct deposit for the spherion, and hopefully the summer youth employment jobs, that way I can put those funds into my savings account and use Cracker Barrel for Stanford and Wood Hollow until August rent is due. I am thinking since I may be a CNA and working at $13-$14 an hour full time I may be in a position to get a laptop with a good down payment and a credit account with either best buy or walmart or meijer or wherever. That is certainly a financial goal.

My friend worked four jobs in Washington for a short time and paid off all her credit cards. Once I am done paying off Stanford, if it is a few months before I go back, I may pay off my student loans, just to get them paid and off my back. My credit card debt is already charged off or in collections. As are the other small bills like Bailey's, CPS Energy, medical bills, and I don't know that I have to pay those off anytime soon. It won't be until I need to buy a car for myself. I will buy a car, pay it off, and the whole time ride the bus. Or ride my bike. I have actually noticed a change in my legs and a little overall from riding my bike so much. I will look into refinery since they have a summer flat rate of $140 then $50 a month for a 12 month contract. That seems like the best timeline, they also have body jam which is as close to a hip hop dance class as I may get.

Today in church, Dance 4 Christ performed and it was off the chain! I want to join their group in the fall and take their style of praise dance to Stanford. Right now, I am exploring Christian Hip Hop like Mary Mary "God in Me" and "Get Up". I love the first one right off the bat, and I know there is a lot more out there for me to listen to.

At any rate, I need to start pressing my way to work. I am going to have several days without a full day off, maybe a few weeks, but I am going to have to request Tuesday and Wednesday off so that I have time for the bipolar support group Tuesday evening, therapy Wednesday morning, bible study at 1pm and new member meeting at 6:30pm. I lift my schedule and jobs up to God and pray for the strength of body and clarity of mind to do them all well and arrive on time.


Peace and God be with you.

Me and my calorimetry

Be on the look out for my afghan, another washcloth, cause I gave the first to B, and other fantasmic knitting projects!!

My new apartment?

http://www.rrentals.biz/detail.php?id=16

So far, this is the best studio I have found. Its $320 with about $40 in heat and electricity along with free wireless internet. I can pull out the deposit payment and move in is in August which gives me a few months rent free to get myself together. I hope my credit report doesn't deter the guy from giving me a lease!



P.S. Update:

I have the papers from the courthouse, I posted a new ad on craigslist saying I am divorced and looking for a Christian guy to start dating, but I am still a little on the fence. I think I am going to go ahead and mail everything to him and see if it elicits a response from Stephen. If not, I will have to get the papers served to him by the Sheriff of Bexar County then move forward from there. Today, however, my spirits are high, I have a new knit project and I am looking foward to starting my afghan. I finished a calorimetry before going to bed at my friend Ayanna's house Monday night. Yesterday, me and Loneisha went to bible study then looked for purity rings before having dinner at red lobster with a fellow cracker barrel employee Lekia. Since Ayanna and Britanny didn't get to join us yesterday we are doing Steak n Shake tonight after Ayanna gets off work. Loneisha paid for me last night so I am paying for her tonight.


Well, I am off to get my check from CB and have Shay cash it so I have money tonight for dinner and the rings and then I am going to go to family serivce tomorrow and ask them to rip up the check I gave them Wednesday morning to take cash cause it will take too long to deposit the money. I also started working at State Farm again so that's next week and I gotta set up direct deposit. The Summer Youth Employment Program begins on May 1st and runs through September 30th. I don't know where they are gonna place me, but I am looking at at least $8 an hour for part time work. In August, I will take CNA classes so that I don't have to work 3 jobs to afford the stanford bill, wood hollow bill, and an aparment (praise God, Lord willing, it will be less than $400 in bills and whatever I get for food). I hope my friend Betsy is still working at State Farm. We really hit it off. Even though she is a manager at Curves, me and Ayanna are going to join Refinery gym so that I can get free classes and a free personal trainer. This is going to be at the beginning of May.

Phew, I think that's everything I gotta update about. Yeah for biking and seeing a difference in my thighs!!!!!!

Alright, now I really gtg!!!

Update for the Masses

To Be Or Not To Be


That is the question that Shakespeare's character asked in the play Hamlet. I have asked myself several times in my life whether or not I wanted to live. Sad times. Recently, the question has changed into, "To be a professor, or to be a writer" or "To join the peace corps or to teach English in Japan" or "To go back to San Antonio or to stay here in Champaign" or "To stay with Stephen or not to stay with Stephen".

After weeks of going back and forth, changing almost daily my decision on these important life quagmires, I have decided solidly on a few things:

1. I am staying in Champaign. I am looking into getting food stamps, a better job, and a studio/efficiency apartment from now to Aug/Sept 2010

2. Tomorrow I am getting the paperwork from the courthouse and filing for divorce. Just typing those words turns my stomach, but Stephen is back to not answering my call or returning my texts and voice sms messages. I wanted to wait, work things out, give him a chance, continue to defend him to concerned (and rightly so) family and friends but everyone agrees that it seems he doesn't want to lose the relationship but isn't willing to work for it. Which leads to tomorrow's PURITY PLEDGE!!!! I am getting a ring, the Joshua Harris book "Boy Meets Girl: Girl Meets Boy", and a journal and making a pledge with whoever wants to to God and myself that I will commit myself to being a spiritual virgin until I am married again. No more 1 night stands, no more late night first dates, no more spending the night at a guy's place. I am going to date Christian men here on out and Lord willing will find someone who I can share the rest of my adventurous life with.

I am working part time at cracker barrel, am about to start working full time at State farm again doing telephone surveys in the evening and will start the Summer Youth Employment Program at the beginning of May. At the end of the summer, August, I will take advantage of free CNA training and once the summer program ends in September I should be able to quit the spherion job and get hired as a CNA. Lisa pointed out that there are receptionist and secretarial jobs paying over $10/hr on craigslist but a lot of them are spam. I applied to the recent ones anyway, just in case. I have entertained the idea of being a bus operator for the MTD here in Champaign. Great pay, get a cool driver's license code, and plenty of benefits and perks. Basically, by the end of the summer, I could potentially be in a position to have a large portion of the Stanford bill paid off. My goal is to make at least $1,200 a month. That will allow me the:

$525 for Stanford
$50 for Wood Hollow
$60 for therapist
$365 for rent
$100 for utilities
$100 for clothes, entertainment, gym membership, knitting yarn


I am still waiting for the dealership to give me the payment refund. Since my mother in law traded in my car, I am in a position to recieve anywhere from a grand to $2,500 because of some insurance thing. I will use that to get my apartment and make my first Stanford payment while I get caught up in putting money into savings and so forth.


May is when I plan on joining the gym Refinery with my friend Ayanna from Cracker Barrel. Getting down to my high school weight of 160 is almost 100 lbs away, doable, but will take about 2 years safely. I am ready for it. I want to go back to Stanford looking good, financially fit, and ready to rock.


I did also entertain the idea of changing my major to English, thinking it would help with the writing. I also thought about divinity school versus a Ph.D. Being a professor, I would teach about Black Hair. Being a speaker and writer I would focus on Christian issues, but could also write about black hair. I still have time.

Lord willing.


Thanks for catching up with me, I appreciate you reading! Leave a comment and let me know you stopped by.

What is the abundance of your heart speaking?

Luke 6:45 - "The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."


I am so wrapped up in my mental health, my marital drama, and what I am going to do in the next few years in terms of living, working, Stanford, and a career.

I want to have a foundation of Christ in my life. I want to fellowship with Christians, read my bible daily, speak with the Lord continuously, incorporate my faith into every aspect of my life, and do more than just go to church and wear a cross over my declete

Barn burned down, now I can see the moon.

U P D A T E

Stephen has gone AWOL again, after going out of his way to convince me he wanted to reconcile and did not want me to go through with the divorce. When I truly needed him to show me that he was willing to support me, amidst deciding treatment options and new meds and doctors, he decides not to contact me from Thursday morning to Saturday afternoon when, after calling and leaving messages during that time I finally send a text to make sure he is ok and I don't need to call his parents, he sends a text back and says,

"My brother came into town" "Sorry I haven't responded"

I text back, basically, that I didn't want his sorry, I wanted an explanation. I was having a serious situation happening with my mental health and needed him to help me decide if I wanted to go back to San Antonio, whether or not I should go to an emergency room...I mean, I know he isn't a medical professional and I obviously made the decision myself, but I wanted to involve him, lean on him, have him be my go-to-guy as my newly reconciled husband. This was his first chance to show me how much he was willing to do in order to make up for completely bailing on me last year. Well, his reply was something along the lines of, "Well, sorry is all you are going to get. I only get to see my brother once a year." His brother, Andrew, is in the Marines, recently married, and currently stationed with his wife I believe in the northeast. Stephen knew his brother was coming for Easter weekend as a surprise, so I didn't understand why he wasn't able to keep the lines of communication open with me.


It is now Thursday and since Saturday I have been leaving voicemails, sending texts and voice sms messages, and getting no response. My therapist and I talked about it on Wednesday and she admitted that she was frustrated along with me about his behavior and how contradicting it is from his words. I still haven't heard from him. I talked to Dan Kim Sunday, he actually called me out of the blue about my facebook status because he thought something bad had happened. He asked me what my inner voice was telling me and what I thought the highest good in my life right now would be. He also pointed out that the universe may be trying to tell me something about my husband and going back to Stanford. I conceded that I did want to go through with the divorce and would want to just move on and allow a man into my life that wants to be in it, along with all the other qualities and traits I have expressed.

We talked for a few hours and I found out he is going to medical school soon and is in San Antonio, TX. He didn't finish Stanford in 4 years and ended up going back and changing his major. Also, last night at Cracker Barrel a woman and I talked, she was very cool, about taking time off college and going back. She went back and changed her major then went on to get a Masters. She encouraged me to pursue a degree that would help put me into the type of career and profession I actually want to do. She was into math and computer science but once she got to number theory, it wasn't so fun anymore. She changed to business, mastored in business with a finance concentration and loves her work. I would go back to Stanford and major in English, going the writer route, or...hmm....I would have to look at the majors again to figure out what else but being a professor in "Black Hair" I have several majors and graduate programs to choose from.

So yeah, since I am back in this weird limbo with Stephen in which I want to leave the relationship and start dating but at times, especially when I see a couple on television or a mixed kid, I want to work things out and get back to good so to speak. I could start looking into the peace corps or teaching abroad in Japan again if Stephen isn't going to be in the picture.

Also, I have decided, again, to stay here in Champaign, IL, and not just until August. It may be cheaper and more beneficial for me to stay here, find a place through section 8 or something like that, and keep working at Cracker Barrel. There is a summer youth program that will find me work and give me job skills so I am going to look into that as well but for right now, my manager is going to try and get me to 24 hours a week so that I qualify for benefits. I will also be able to afford the two payment plans I currently have: $525 on the 15th of every month to Stanford and $25 on the 1st and 15th of every month for Wood Hollow Apartments.

I like Church of the Living God, the adult bible study, the sermons, the choir, and the youth. Right now, my friend stays right behind the church in an apartment complex but she is looking to move soon. Either way, I have a bike, I will be looking to exercise and eat healthier to loose weight and lessen the severity of harmful side effects to my meds and I am getting new clothes and shoes, something I seem always to do around the spring after or right before I go crazy. This year, however, I am not simply adding to my dismal wardrobe. Rather, I gave the goodwill everything I couldn't fit and/or didn't flatter my figure. I am going to build a wardrobe that does flatter my body, things that I can fit and wear well and wouldn't mind wearing out with friends or just out and about.

operation move back to san antonio

alright so here's the situation currently:
i have to pay $188 for the move in, app fee, deposit, all that jazz, in order to get sable ridge to run my application. (has to be in money order)

i need to put together a payment plan with wood hollow, at least $50 a month or something, i don't know my options quite yet, and once i send them the first payment, they will send a letter to sable ridge so that they know i am in the process of paying that off and it won't happen to them

tomorrow, my manager will talk to the cracker barrel manager in San Antonio and hopefully get me transferred down to that country store and find out how many hours they can work me and at what rate of pay

once i know that, i will know how short i am from the magic number of $1265 and ask kitina to send a letter with her consultant firm's letter head stating that they will be booking me for speaking engagements and asking for however much they will be asking for in terms of my fee to the venue and if its a reasonable enough number of engagements a month that would make up the difference, i should be able to get the apartment approved and in the clear by the end of the week


now, i have about $200 and get paid every Thursday so this Thursday i am looking at @ least another $50. that's just enough for the move in special and my first payment to wood hollow.

essentially, i can move back to San Antonio right after Easter Sunday and only have to stay here at my friend's place for a week.

once in San Antonio, i will be working at the cracker barrel and started to lay the foundation for the speaking engagements

the payment refund and any money that ppl who have said, if u need anything shamika, just let me know, will help buy my bus ticket and snacks for the trip.

since i won't have to pay full rent till June, i will have two months of cushion time to get myself together

the only thing left to figure out immediately after i move to San Antonio is cps. after i moved out, i somehow got a $300 electricity bill. gotta get that situated before they will turn on my lights and so forth.

i will also be looking for a futon, coffee table, and small dining room set

San Antonio: Home