Mini Update

Stephen is still AWOL. I suggested we try couples counseling before we start filing paperwork with courts, via voicemail of course. I am awaiting, yet, a response. If I don't hear back within a reasonable amount of time, say two more weeks, I will move forward with the paperwork. Its just mailing him waivers he has to sign and the petition. But its a clear and definitive step toward ending the marriage and its big. I don't want to take that step until I am absolutely sure there is no hope left in reconciliation. I am thinking maybe someone talked to Stephen and scarred him back out of the relationship. I am not planning to return to San Antonio until next August during the interim between my lease here and starting back at Stanford in the fall. So that is a long time for me not to hear from my husband and I would hate to believe that I have to be there in person for him to deal with us and me.

Stephen sent this picture to my phone during the small window of time that we were reconciled and in communication. Ever since he stopped answering my calls and texts, I took it off the screensaver of my phone and haven't really dwelled on it. I believe Stephen is a handsome guy, good looking, his size was never an issue with me, I didn't mind him being slender. Just like he never minded when I gained weight. He knew me back when I was 160 and a 36C. Now I am 249 and a 44DD-46D.

Looking at this picture after all this time, its like looking at a familiar stranger. I can't really describe it. A co-worker at Cracker Barrel asked me, well do you still love him?


I paused. I thought. The answer did not leap from my lips automatically or as a knee jerk response, "Yes of course" or "No, not anymore." It did not flow naturally and clearly from my mind. There was nothing there. All the feelings I had for Stephen had drained a long time ago when I first came to terms with his incommunicative behavior and the potential fate of my less than five year marriage. I was at a loss, not only of words, but of emotions. Of feelings toward my husband. What do I feel about Stephen now?

I am no longer a switch that can turn it off and on, compartmentalize, and shut off parts of my life to my brain in order to deal. I have access to all 8 cylinders and I am working to make sure they are all in working condition before I jump either back into a relationship with Stephen or into a new courtship with someone. I would have to date Stephen again and develop the feelings nearly from scratch. Our shared history and inside jokes are not going to be the foundation of our marriage. Cleary, they are not enough.