WWhen Stanford sophomore Shamika Walker, 19, met Stephen Goddard, 23, in San Antonio, Texas, it was a collision course in drama. They were married September 4, 2004 in San Antonio's Philadelphia Missionary Baptist Church and are starting out their matrimonial life on campus. But their road to the alter was no untroubled walk down the aisle, rather, it was a testament of struggle, acceptance, maturity and love.
Living in Black Welder, one of Stanford’s grad houses, Shamika tries to keep their apartment as lively as they are. Their door is "an experience,” covered in the same yellow Sponge Bob Square Pants cartoons that adorn Shamika’s pajamas. Other than that, the living room is sparse, consisting only of a couch, table, two chairs and a television. Shamika and Stephen are quite comfortable with each other here. They jive and play off each others’ personalities, which are in many ways, opposite.
“Well, if you ever get to watch the wedding tape, when we are exchanging our vows and stuff,” Shamika gestures, “the preacher asks him all the questions [and] he’s like, [softly] ‘I do,’ and then to me,” she waves her hand in the air, “‘I DO, YES!’ [We’re] completely opposite.” Stephen smiles shyly and agrees, “I kinda talk quiet.”
Coming from a military background, Stephen moved to San Antonio, Texas in 1992, after moving all over the country. His father, originally from England, worked in an army based hospital and dated his mother, also in the army, for three months before they got married.
Shamika, in contrast, comes from a bustling family of black women. Her mother works in a post office and supports four children. She had Shamika when she was in the 12th grade and parted ways with Shamika’s dad when Shamika was 13 years old.
When Stephen popped the question to Shamika before her freshman year, “I was like, ‘I dunno.’ But after two weeks, the whole trying everything on campus except for being promiscuous and alcohol, I missed Stephen.”
Shamika’s emotions ran into conflict with her beliefs when she went to a weekend Christian retreat. She came back, told Stephen, “I don’t think I can marry a non-Christian man,” and broke up with him. Shamika, a Christian, struggled with her decision (being “unequally yoked,”) and didn’t talk to Stephen for “the most painful couple of weeks in my life.”
She reconciled her conflict with her love. “My logic was, ‘I love him enough to take the chance. If after our whole marriage, he doesn’t become Christian or it’s not until his dying day, I love him enough to take that chance.’” A week before finals, Shamika called Stephen up and said ‘Yes.”
Then she called her mother.
Stephen quips, “Oooh noo.” Shamika told her mom, “‘Me and Stephen have been talking, and we’re gonna get married.’” Shamika leans back and raises her eyebrow imitating her mother in the car, “Okay…Ima have to call you back cause I’m drivin’ right now.”
Shamika, who had always “carried the bar” for her family, understood that her mother’s concerns were rooted in their familial history. “My mom’s issues [were] you are too young, you have so much going for you and you have a good head on your shoulders...I felt like I was letting everybody down.”
Stephen, on the other hand, felt “that if two people loved each other, no matter what background, race, religion, that shouldn’t stand in the way.” He confesses that he would not have let Shamika go if she decided against the marriage.
So the couple resorted to secrecy. Shamika describes it as, “chaos on every level of my life. It seemed like everything was up in the air. What was I gonna do with this man I loved?”
The most painful part of it was the constant lying and hiding behind her mother’s back. Shamika, who always wanted an open relationship with her mother, was afraid of the disapproval, the judgment, or the “truncation of any type of relationship to prevent me from having a child.” So she hid. Silent tears fall from her eyes, “It was hard. I felt guilty when I was with him, I felt guilty afterwards…It was trying to say the least.”
Freedom finally came when Shamika told her mother the truth, that she still was in a relationship with Stephen and wanted to stay. Although her mother promptly called her pastor, it was the beginning of the open relationship Shamika had always needed from her mom.
The Goddards seem at ease with their opposing beliefs. Stephen, a professed agnostic believes he “just doesn’t know,” and would only become a Christian if/when he decides. Shamika, still a devout Christian, “put my faith in God that through our relationship He can reach Stephen.”
After the truth was out, her family worried about why she wanted to get married. Concerns like, Why ya’ll getting married? Do ya gotta do it now? If he did looove you he’ll still be there three years later, constantly bombarded the couple. Some even thought Shamika was pulling a shotgun wedding because she was “pregnant.” But with no bun in the oven, folks could not see the logic in their getting married so young.
“I tell people my biggest comeback to why I didn’t want to wait,” Shamika says, “is I [already] see myself as being a successful person. I wanted to establish the first few years of my life here, where we don’t have a bunch of bills to pay, and the real world is [still] at bay.” Shamika realized that “besides all the reasons everyone told me why I shouldn’t get married” she did not have one of her own. “I am a very thorough person, I do not make haphazard decisions. I really thought about it, felt that I wanted to do it, so why not now?” The final decision was between her, Stephen and God and when Shamika took a courageous step into adulthood she “finally saw my life as my own,” and felt peace of mind.
Shamika’s family was still protective of their daughter, wanting to ensure her success as a young black woman. Stephen, as an older white male, had it much easier. He slides into the phone call he had with his dad, “Hey dad, remember Shamika, right? — Yeah- Well, we’re getting married. -Okay.- Hey Mom, (same thing) -Oh, Okay-.” Shamika laughs, “He didn’t have any drama! With my family, all they saw is the only way I could be successful is if I graduated from Stanford and married a Stanford black graduate.”
So what about their obvious racial difference? Shamika’s chocolate complexion is a far cry from Stephen’s creamy fare. Stephen’s family “didn’t care” about Shamika’s blackness, but Shamika’s family did care about his whiteness. For some family members, “It was not right for a successful black woman to date non-black guys.”
Although they’ve had racial disagreements, Stephen, when accused of having “Jungle Fever,” throws his head back and laughs. “Oh Man! I don’t know how many times I heard that one. He’s got jungle fever! If it’s a fever, it’s terminal, cause I plan to be with this girl for the rest of my life.”
The Goddards fell in love with each other over the phone. Shamika would “blow up his phone,” calling him about everything from cruel sibling treatment to slipping grades. Stephen, on the other hand, would be there to comfort her and allow her to be herself. “It blew my mind that it was possible to even be able to connect with someone on that level,” says Shamika. “Just like with God, love is an action. It wasn’t just a feeling. I could depend on him in the hardest of times.”
Stephen agrees that their relationship was based on the phone. Their communication was vital to allowing them to understand and accept each others’ personality differences. Shamika describes Stephen as “go with the flow” while she is more “over-achieving, plan everything.”
“I paid for that wedding with the summer jobs I had,” says Shamika. “His parents paid for the hotel for the honeymoon. And my mom helped pay for the reception place that we had, and the deejay, and the limo, which was so nice. I paid for most of the dresses, all of the accessories, I planned it everything.”
The Goddards, who coincidently have the same birthday, August 26, also share a love for Asian culture. They incorporated this into the Chinese theme of the wedding. The morning of the wedding, which was scheduled for noon, was a hair-raising event. Some of Shamika’s family did not show up, so she was left to move chairs around by herself. She was also propositioned by the rent-room lady, “Why are you getting married now?” on her wedding day. This was the last straw, and Shamika found herself crying in the bathroom. Her family eventually came through and Shamika capitalizes it as a lesson from God that “When all else fails, your family will be there.”
The most moving part of the ceremony was her mother’s speech, which signified her final acceptance of Stephen. While some people (Jasmine, the maid of honor) broke down crying and apologized to Stephen for their former cold treatment, others smiled, shook his hand, then leaned in, “You get her pregnant and I will hunt you down and kill you.”
The mixture of acceptance and threats remains with the Goddards who have chosen to wait until after graduation to have children, so they can spend time establishing themselves and concentrating on work.
Speaking of work, Shamika finds herself balancing a full schedule of schoolwork and activities. She is a Management Science and Engineering major whose interest is in “education, public speaking, being knowledgeable, and owning a business.” She really wants to help people with their finances, and desires to gain her PhD or MBA, so she can establish a business targeted at youth. Stephen, now working at Ricker, “is just looking for a job, not a career.” He does, however, also desire to work with youth, go to college and become a K-12 teacher, stating that one of his biggest pet peeves is “ignorant people.”
Stephen gets up and wraps his arms around his wife. “I see us having that wonderful married-couple life,” he says, “Sitting on the back porch in the middle of nowhere, holding hands, wondering where my teeth went.” It seems as if the Yin and the Yang have harmonized with these two who differ racially, religiously, academically, culturally and socially, yet are in union with each other spiritually. The relationship, which was “established on drama” is now part of who the Goddards are, and they don’t try to justify, explain, or apologize for each other. Instead, the acceptance is so absolute, that they can just enjoy each other.
“If you know me, you already heard this story in bits and pieces,” Shamika laughs, the defense in her voice softened by the humor behind it, “If you don’t know me, come and ask. But I don’t want any more funky stares when I tell you-” Stephen smiles and leans back on the counter, “I’m married to a white man who doesn’t go to Stanford and is not a Christian,” they look at each other, “And we gon’ be alright.”
All my love,
Ali