The past few days, I have been practically nocturnal. I convinced myself that its to prepare for the night shift of a cna job I may get. No word yet on that position. I have also noticed myself having pressured speech which means I have an urge, a necessity, to talk, to say something, anything, right now! So usually, I said the weird phrases running around in my head or I comment on people's shirts or hair or something, whatever I am thinking. It is usually harmless, but sometimes I said weird things.
Sometimes, I get agitated easily, or annoyed. Other times, I am sensitive to the people around me and feel like people are hurting my feelings in subtle ways like choosing to sit at a table next to mine instead of mine or something most likely harmless or a person not picking up when I call. I worry that I may be getting screened.
Again, usually harmless, but then there is something else that has been happening. Another urge. And its not a good one.
I have had random thoughts of violence that occur, usually if I am engaged in conversation with someone, to strike them in the face or throw something at their face. Of all the manic, psychotic, and depressed symptoms I have to deal with, that one is in the top 3 Do Not Like list along with seeing things and hearing things that no one else does.
As much as I try not to get myself down about my lot in life, I wonder if I will be able to hack it, if those that love me will tough it out with me or politely fall by the wayside. Sure, its easier for them to slowly stop calling so much or responding when I reach out only to eventually have disappeared efficiently from my life. Just as easy as it would be for me to stop taking my meds or give up completely and check myself in somewhere for good.
I won't do that. I won't do either of those things. I understand that my brain has chemical issues and my life has issues and I have made great efforts this year to take control of my life again. Thank the Lord, I have not been in the hospital or lost a job to my illness. With the end of the year approaching, I can look back on the progress I have made since March. Every week since then I have seen my therapist. Every single week, except for when she was in Europe, I saw her. I am proud of that accomplishment. I have met with my psychiatrist at every appointment and only once was I off my medication, I was having trouble coordinating transportation to the Walmart pharmacy on time. During the time off my medication, the changes were so subtle, but I still saw them. Mood swings, so very sensitive, assuming the thoughts and motives of those around me and how they were somehow negative toward me, and so on.
The second New Year's Resolution for me is going to be to figure out and take the next step about my mental health. It is not enough to simply stay out of the hospital and stay employed. I want to move on and move forward, and hopefully I won't be doing it alone.
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