Friday, July 30, 2010
California
So, I have been here a little over a week and have been meeting with the campus, running around looking at apartments, and sending in applications.
After the Garlic festival, I started the week at 233 lbs. I went biking, walking, running, and exploring. Its Friday, so I still have today and tomorrow before the first weigh in. I am excited about the journey of increasing my health and getting under 200 lbs.
Ideally, my outie will be an actual outie and that is one of my indicator as to when I am relatively at a good weight. Another will be a smoother back, less rolls, which I have noticed over the past year or so...yea! My thighs are also slimming down.
Hope, L, your workouts are doing well. The freezer food is really good, the stir fry veggies and the fish. If I have to live off campus, that is going to be most of what I eat everyday.
Next week, I am going to meet with my AAAS director and my advisor at the UAC and hopefully get this bill figured out. I am also hoping to hear back from a few jobs I have applied to.
I do also have a desire to meet up with new people, whether its randomly, or by making new friends and doing stuff. I would be open to walking, biking, hiking, dancing somewhere, or going to see a show or something, as free or relatively so as possible. I will let you know how that all goes.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?
My merman has changed, but it doesn't change what God thinks about it all.
Le Sigh!
If I wait for my life to get stable, for things to be less dramafied, I may never experience joy, contentment, hope, love, etc.
The tensions build in me about what to do, and who to do it with, and I know that there seems to be a right thing to do here...but the right thing and the right thing for me may not be the same. I think I know what's right for me, that thinking almost six years ago got me the in current situation I am in now with Stephen. Would that thinking take me into a new cycle of the same old same old if I simply pursued Sean?
Stanford doesn't seem as close as it did just a few weeks ago. I am working more now, taking on about two more shifts a week, but I don't know that it will be enough to pay the bill down by the end of the summer. I am considering just moving to California anyway at the end of my lease here in Illinois and beginning my life there. I just don't want to bring this unfinished drama with me.
Le Sigh!
If I wait for my life to get stable, for things to be less dramafied, I may never experience joy, contentment, hope, love, etc.
The tensions build in me about what to do, and who to do it with, and I know that there seems to be a right thing to do here...but the right thing and the right thing for me may not be the same. I think I know what's right for me, that thinking almost six years ago got me the in current situation I am in now with Stephen. Would that thinking take me into a new cycle of the same old same old if I simply pursued Sean?
Stanford doesn't seem as close as it did just a few weeks ago. I am working more now, taking on about two more shifts a week, but I don't know that it will be enough to pay the bill down by the end of the summer. I am considering just moving to California anyway at the end of my lease here in Illinois and beginning my life there. I just don't want to bring this unfinished drama with me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Speaking Too Soon
The dramedy that is my life is still rolling. I figured, I would wait until the dust settles before I report on the goings on, but then I end up getting more kicked up.
At the moment, I have a court date this Friday afternoon. Stephen was going to buy a plane ticket tomorrow and we were going to get back together, and I told him no. I decided to go ahead with the divorce. Who knows what will happen tomorrow let alone this fall when I am planning to return to Stanford.
Maybe I will move to New York with Sean.
Maybe I will move to Cali anyway and beg to have them let me back in if I haven't paid the amount off.
I am just going to be so satisfied, content, happy, relieved, and stable when everything has settled down.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Quarter Life Crisis Aftermath
Catch your breath, because surely you gasped at realizing I posted a new post on my blog.
I know, me too.
Its been so very long, and so very much has happened. Gained and lost a real boyfriend, a relationship that lasted for weeks and could have gone weeks, maybe even months more, had I not decided to end it.
Why would I do such a thing? Knowing about my situation with my husband, at least the last time I posted about him, you would know that we have been separated over two years. I sent him divorce papers back in April and he finally, after five months, wanted to talk. Since then, he has been talking to me, and I have been praying.
Having gone back and forth with him now for about a year, I was so close to being done. Moving on. It was not an easy thing to decide to do the hard thing, the right thing, and stay with my husband and work things out. Reconciliation is what I have always wanted between us. To have us both learn and grow from the mistakes we have made and move toward better people and share a deeper love.
People that have been married for decades usually tell me that they almost didn't make it, how close they were to splitting up several times. But always say how glad they are that they stayed. One woman confided in me that because she got married at thirty, she had already experienced several relationships with different guys. They all were the same just with a different person. Instead of leaving her husband nearly thirty years ago and starting over with someone else, she is so grateful that she stuck things out because now he is the man of her dreams.
Granted, none of these stories is my own and anything worth having is going to take work. I understand that the odds are literally against my marriage. However, I do want to be able to look back over the decades and laugh when I see how far God brought me and know that I did not become a statistic. It has taken a few weeks to accept that I accepted this decision. To warm up to it. To allow it to settle into my bones and really believe. But I have...mostly. Everyday I feel a little bit better about my situation. I remember my favorite quote from the movie Valentine's Day, that love is the last shocking act left. I figure that this time around, I am putting all of my love, hope, faith, and trust in God, who wants me to do this anyway. I know that if I test him on his word, he will come out on top and I will be blessed for my obedience no matter how things turn out.
June 13th, I will be reunited with my husband. So many emotions...excitement, fear, anticipation, skepticism, hope, fledgling love, joy, to name a few. If you pray, please pray for us. I certainly have been.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Fast Is Ending on a High Note
Day 19
I have almost finished the third book of my fast, Boundaries in Dating, and know that this fast is more than just a time out from dating. Instead, I have gotten closer to God and feel as though I have started myself down a different path in life. One in which I take more consideration into who I share myself with, and not just physically. During this fast, I have met new friends, started swing dancing, been asked out twice and asked for my number twice. When the sun sets on Sunday, I have gentlemen callers in the wings of my life waiting to be called back onto the stage hoping for a chance in the big time. However, I am no longer eager to just have somebody, anybody. I now believe that I am worthy of more than just lust, or like, but seek love. As true and pure as one can hope for from imperfect people. So, I have been learning from my past experiences and exploring issues and patterns as well as developing a sense of who I am and who I want to be...with.
Friday, March 26, 2010
This Fast is Going Kind of Slowly...
Day 13
I have nearly finished the book Undressed by Jason Illian and have been steadily reading Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Henry McCloud and John Townsend. Practical, Christian perspectives and Biblical foundations for relationships, dating, and sex. I appreciate this time of stepping back from boys and getting closer to the Lord on where I stand in all those issues. Learning from my repeated patterns, mistakes, past, as well as getting to know myself now, I feel confident that I will emerge from the fast stronger in my faith and able to have a healthy relationship. Encouraged today by a good co-worker of mine and previously by my therapist, I am going to list a few traits and characteristics that I in this moment would look for and adore in a guy:
Christian - attends church regularly, has spiritual disciplines (Bible reading, prayer life), able to both challenge and support me in my faith and growth in faith
Education - ideally college student/graduate
Personae and Such - Not shy, humorous, positive, non-smoker, romantic (ok with pda, has some experience with dating so I don't feel like I am mentoring/tutoring/parenting during the relationship, would write letters to me even though we could [and probably would] text and email), older than me, has a car, job, and career goals (general or specific, as long as there is a desire to aspire), doesn't use foul language, respectful, playful, interested in dating seriously and long term, has a good relationship with his family, has hobbies, likes to (or is willing to) dance, not a heavy drinker, doesn't do drugs, likes video games but not to the exclusion of a social life
I am sure there will be more things to add as the fast, and life, go on.
And now for something completely different!
In Cracker Barrel related news, I happened to have an idea dropped into my kool aid at work today. During a training course, I found out about Cracker Barrel's Internship Program in which a person is trained for management. Since our store already has a manager, and I hadn't thought past working as an employee to pay off my Stanford bill, I never thought past getting to a Par IV in retail. However, after talking with the trainer this afternoon, I realized:
I could be trained for management by this time next year. The company could pay to relocate me to a store that does need a retail manager, and I would have a next step for life. Christy, one of my current roommates and a future roommate for next school year, will be graduating and at the moment, I don't see myself living with anyone else here in town after she leaves next year. Originally, I was going to come back to Lincoln Place apts and have two more random roommates, however, with the management plan, I could have the company relocate me to any of the nearly 600 stores in the country! I was excited as I thought about being able to move almost anywhere in the country to a salaried position. Instead of slowly paying off just the Stanford bill, with this plan, I could be paying everything off in the same time I figured it would take to pay off the Stanford bill (almost 5 years). I would like to return to Stanford before I am 30, or at least by the time I am 30. With the salaried position with Cracker Barrel, over the next five years, I could pay off all my debts, rebuild my credit, buy a really inexpensive used car and have it paid off by the time I return to the farm. Not to mention the awesome work experience this will provide me and amazing life experiences.
All that wonderful excitement said, that gives my life a wider scope, a little more meaning in this braided stream of living. I have something to work toward in terms of my career at Cracker Barrel. I am not just going to be another employee. Then, when I am relocated, I get to begin again somewhere new with new people and a new hope that, Lord willing if the creek don't rise, I will not only pay off Stanford, but I will completely be able to turn around my financial situation and proudly return to the farm with my head high and my credit right. I am delighted about it all. In the past week or so since I was promoted to a Par III, I had been thinking about what I would do after Christy left and what directions I could take my life. Moving back home to San Antonio, or to France to be an au pair, Canada to be a CNA, Houston to live with Candace, the bay area to live both closer to Stanford and closer to Lisa...but coming to this idea today, it makes sense and I feel good about it. So many benefits. Even though I would be leaving a place I have honestly come to love, I know now that I can just pick up and go somewhere new and God will provide a place to live, a job to work, a church to fellowship, and friends to have.
Labels:
candace,
Cracker Barrel,
dating,
fast,
Lisa Smith
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Boys Boys Boys
Even if Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite, she still wants men. Good for her.
I have decided to step out of the dating pool, get myself cleaned up, suited up, and digested before i re-enter truly ready to open myself up to true love, real love, crazy love. Already, I am feeling the pangs of withdrawal. Like a drug, the small crushes I had or the drama surrounding various relationships in my life gave me a sort of high I could find no where else in my life. Even tonight, as I get ready for bed, I desperately want someone next to me. My mouse, given to me by a friend, cannot hold me. I want to talk with a boy, flirt with a boy, kiss a boy, touch a boy, be touched by a boy...however, I appreciate what I am doing with the fast and have already overcome tremendous temptation. I have cut off all communication with any guy who isn't already solidly a friend. It took a few days but I have my basic guidelines for my fast. I spend a few moments first and last thing of the day talking to God, I have a 21 day devotional, perfect for my time frame, and I have also bought, borrowed, and checked out books I believe will bring the most fruit during the rest of my lent. One of the books, the one I bought, talks mainly about boundaries. My therapist gave me some homework to do on the subject and I found it extremely helpful in pointing out my weakness in setting and honoring boundaries. So far, its difficult being so far from my man drama, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am like the junkie in rehab, just getting over the sweats and chills...hopefully.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Lent
For Lent this year, I decided to both observe the spiritual fast and sacrifice Facebook. However, there was something else I knew I should have given up in order to focus more on my relationship with God: boys. More specifically gentlemen callers. As it were, I picked Facebook on Ash Wednesday and thought, "Oh well, maybe next year I will forgo men" and thought I was in the clear. Then the church that my roommate and I often attend declared a church-wide fast to begin Sunday March 14th. For the past two weeks, my roommate has been finishing off all the sugar-filled items she has in the apartment in preparation for her sugar fast. I looked on thinking to myself, "I couldn't fast any kind of food, especially sugar! I have heard of the Daniel Fast, but I don't really feel led to do that either." So I helped her eat her cinnamon rolls believing that I was supporting her.
Then, Saturday afternoon, I could not ignore the fact that I had succeeded in having two gentlemen calling on me at the same time. So shady, so not me. I didn't want to turn either of them away for different reasons, but I also didn't see myself long term with either of them as well. My roommate reminded me of the fast and how I could fast anything, not just food. And there was my solution. I could tell both men that I decided to join my church fast and that for the next three weeks, I would be off the market. It will give me the space I need to gently but firmly break things off with both guys, but more importantly help give me the room and focus in my life I should have sought initially from my observance of Lent. After my mini-mardi gras last night, I am ready to repent and be absolved of my sins and embrace the dating life that God calls me into.
Day One: After the remnants of mini-mardi gras were cleaned away (aka sent home), I slept for eight more hours, missed church, mourned the loss of the spring forward hour, and spent the night helping a friend from class do his laundry, watch a movie, and eat dinner. He's way younger, totally not dateable, so I figured hanging with guys who are already friends and who haven't expressed romantic feelings is fine. I hope to spend more time in the word so I am going to make a trip over to the Christian Family Bookstore for a study aid to help structure my readings over the next three weeks. I am also looking forward to inviting God back into my life and engaging in conversations with Him more than saying grace or the errant prayer.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Losing Weight, Feeling Great!
Since last year, I have lost 15lbs. I have decided to focus on healthy choices overall instead of pounds lost, but I do keep track every month I see my psychiatrist. What I eat, when, and walking or biking whenever I can have all contributed to slimming down. Now that the weather is starting to get nicer, I will be able to walk or bike for leisure instead of pure sole transportation and have discovered a few food combinations like frozen veggies and fish that work for me.
I performed at V. Picasso's new open mic night last Wednesday and had so much fun. The stage is such a natural medium for me. Hostessing the show and reciting both poetry and my own prose, I felt like my truest self.
As of late, I have been accumulating suitors. Odd to have not only one but two guys who like me. I have so much to learn both about myself and the wiles of men.
Sticking with keeping my work schedule during the week, I am hoping to decrease my stress and lessen the intensity of my psychotic symptoms. Seeing and hearing things that no one else does is only the beginning. Thinking someone called my name or is whistling right behind me, that is nothing compared to what I could be hearing and believing. As much beef as I practically got from various managers about choosing not to work Saturdays and Sundays, I am being as pre-emptive as possible for my mental health. Someone told me that as long as I am working, I will most likely not get disability. In tat case, I will keep appealing until I return to campus and not work as a student or something.
My mom is on vacation in Vegas again this week. She goes every year now. I am glad she is having fun and enjoying her life. Despite the fact that my youngest sister and her child along with my younger brother are living with her, my mom is living in her own one bedroom apartment, with her paid off vehicle, and I am proud of her. My sister, the older youngest one, has a car but no license so my youngest sister drives her around. At least she has a system there.
Since I am going to be trying to live with Christy next year, I am figuring in what it will mean to be in Illinois for at least another two or three years. Paying $135 a month, it will take about three more years to get it down to a reasonable amount for Mary Morrison to work with. Chances are good that as long as they accept it, I will be donating plasma every week for an additional $200 a month. That will take care of my meds, therapy appointments, and going out money.
I have been approved for a fee waiver with the court and will be getting the papers sent to the Bexar County Sheriff tomorrow to be served to Stephen. Within 30 days of that, I will have a hearing. Once the hearing is done, I have to send a copy of the judgement to Stephen then a certificate saying I mailed a copy of the judgement to Stephen and I will be divorced officially. I believe that when he originally left me, our covenant was broken (in sickness and in health). I offered reconciliation and he hasn't taken it so our covenant has remained broken. With that understanding and Paul's advice in 1 Corinthians 7, which I have mentioned several times, I have peace about the situation. I still, however, remember things almost daily that I used to have which have now been thrown away under Stephen's care. I also remember randomly, every once in a while, how we used to be. How I used to feel. I know its a process. And now is the time to embrace the grieving process truly as this is the final curtain call for our relationship.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
What's Goin On
It has been a very long time since I have written in my blog. I don't even remember when the last true update was. So, I am going to make an assessment of my life in this moment.
I spent a week going to karaoke every night and was hit on by two guys and a girl, gained and lost a boyfriend, and my roommate got her own spin-off live in drama with a friend of mine.
Cracker Barrel restaurant managers refuse to give me hostessing hours ever since I requested Saturdays and Sundays off so I am working about 11 hours a week. Needless to say, I am looking for another job. I want to knit on Saturdays and spend Sundays in church and fellowshipping with my fellow believers either before or after church.
I am starting to get easily irritated, annoyed, and mood swingy. I am also hearing things. Here and there, whistling, or someone calling my name. Its starting. I am scared, and I feel alone in my situation. There is no one that I have a deep and intimate connection with that I can trust to help hold my hand through this season in my life. The last person that I thought I could rely on to do that simply opted out and left me in the midst of my darkest days. Before things get too far off, I want to go on record as saying I want to be healthy and as appealing as being committed seems, I want to be able to live on my own and support myself. The key to doing that lies in a college education. However, in order to work hard enough to pay bills as well as the Stanford debt, I am going to need more than two shifts a week. Someone suggested that I keep appealing the denial for disability. Its a thought.
Writing. I have a few book ideas, but I still haven't written the article about mental health from a Christian perspective. Since I have so much free time, I might as well get caught up on that, and the reading for my humanities class. I am taking U.S. History and Philosophy this semester. I like the philosophy class more than the history, but that is probably because I haven't missed as many philosophy classes as history.
I spent a week going to karaoke every night and was hit on by two guys and a girl, gained and lost a boyfriend, and my roommate got her own spin-off live in drama with a friend of mine.
Cracker Barrel restaurant managers refuse to give me hostessing hours ever since I requested Saturdays and Sundays off so I am working about 11 hours a week. Needless to say, I am looking for another job. I want to knit on Saturdays and spend Sundays in church and fellowshipping with my fellow believers either before or after church.
I am starting to get easily irritated, annoyed, and mood swingy. I am also hearing things. Here and there, whistling, or someone calling my name. Its starting. I am scared, and I feel alone in my situation. There is no one that I have a deep and intimate connection with that I can trust to help hold my hand through this season in my life. The last person that I thought I could rely on to do that simply opted out and left me in the midst of my darkest days. Before things get too far off, I want to go on record as saying I want to be healthy and as appealing as being committed seems, I want to be able to live on my own and support myself. The key to doing that lies in a college education. However, in order to work hard enough to pay bills as well as the Stanford debt, I am going to need more than two shifts a week. Someone suggested that I keep appealing the denial for disability. Its a thought.
Writing. I have a few book ideas, but I still haven't written the article about mental health from a Christian perspective. Since I have so much free time, I might as well get caught up on that, and the reading for my humanities class. I am taking U.S. History and Philosophy this semester. I like the philosophy class more than the history, but that is probably because I haven't missed as many philosophy classes as history.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Bring On The Problems, It Must Be Math Camp
WHEN Dr. Max Warshauer puts together his high-powered math camp for top high school students each summer, he selects several campers with perfect 1600 SAT's. "We turned away a 1570 SAT this year, because there were three stronger students at the same high school," Dr. Warshauer said.
Many are like Will Nygard, who, by sophomore year, had finished Calculus 2, the toughest math course at his high school in Coronado, Calif. Will got a top score of 5 on the AP calculus test, but says, "Until math camp, I never really understood what calculus was."
Dr. Warshauer needs a very bright staff to challenge such campers, and several of his counselors are math majors from M.I.T., Stanford and Harvard. Each camp day here at Southwest Texas State University is chock full of math. They start with an 8:30 a.m. lecture on numbers theory by Dr. Warshauer (instantly recognizable from his Bermuda shorts, black socks, black tie shoes and corny jokes) and finish each night with a four-hour problem-solving session that often goes past 10 p.m.
And Dr. Warshauer, 52, who has X10 times more energy than most people his age ("did I mention that I recently took up competitive biking?") does not miss a minute of it. Sixteen hours into an 18-hour day, a counselor tracked him down working on a math problem with a bunch of students and interrupted. "Josh really needs to talk to you, Max," she said. "He doesn't think it's possible to get to problem 39 from 24."
"I'm on my way," Dr. Warshauer said. "Does Josh understand about the distributive property?"
It is impressive that so much math does not seem like too much math for these young people. "Too much math? Oh no," Will Boney of Austin said. "I just love the way you can take a couple of math problems, sit down and occupy yourself intellectually for a long time."
Across the country, there are a handful of such elite math programs, most run by students of the late Arnold Ross, who directed summer math camps at Notre Dame and Ohio State for 45 years, until retiring in 2000 at the age of 94.
Dr. Warshauer fell in love with math for good at the Ohio State camp in the summer of 1967, and for that reason has never given up the struggle to raise the scholarship money to keep his own camp afloat these last 14 years. While he takes students from top private and public schools, he also hunts the brightest ones from small towns and inner cities, children who have never met anyone like themselves until they get to math camp. Elite math programs have been criticized as too white and too male, but half of Dr. Warshauer's 50 campers are female, a third are black or Latino.
As a ninth grader, Margaret McKee wrote in her camp application that she had to get out of Sulphur Springs, Tex., where "boys study science and play football" and "girls keyboard and do high kicks."
"My last two science teachers," she wrote, "have made it a point to let the class know that they do not believe in the theory of evolution because it conflicts with their fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible."
Dr. Warshauer took one look at that essay, and said, "We have to take this girl."
In junior high school in Brady, Tex. (population 6,000), Charles Michael Hallford had trouble making a friend. "I guess they thought I was a know-it-all," he said. "After a while, unless someone else brought up one of my accomplishments, I'd never say anything about myself." Math camp, he said, "was the first time I met kids smarter than me." They didn't mock him; they liked Charles.
This caused problems when he returned to Brady. His eyes now opened, Charles wanted to leave home to attend the Texas Academy of Math and Science, an elite public boarding school at the University of North Texas in Denton. "I prayed about it," said Charles, whose father is the minister of the Brady Gospel Church. "My dad was dead set against it. He said he'd miss me too much. When I said God wants me to do this, Dad said, `We'll see what God tells me about this.' "
For a long time the father, the Rev. Charles N. Hallford, said nothing. But Mr. Hallford had seen math camp and what it meant to his son. "I could see the Lord really put it in his heart to do it," he said. "And sure enough, when I prayed about it, it was the right way for him to go."
Each summer since, Charles has returned to math camp. His senior year, a project he developed at the camp — "Generalization of deBruijn Edge Sums — led to his first plane rides, to Austin and then Washington, to compete in the state and national Siemens-Westinghouse competition. And his fourth-place national finish helped him get into Stanford last year, which Mr. Hallford points out, "is 1,733 miles from Brady."
In the final week of camp, Dr. Warshauer takes aside the seniors and asks where they are applying to college. Last summer Shamika Walker told him Howard Payne University in Brownwood, Tex., because it was inexpensive and not too far from home.
Shamika was raised in San Antonio by her mother, a mail carrier. "Money was always tight," she said. "We grew up on the low side of San Antonio, living check to check. So I'd shy away from expensive things like ballet lessons. Math was something I could do in my room."
Dr. Warshauer told her: "I don't know much about Howard Payne. I'm sure it's fine, but you ought to be thinking about Harvard and Stanford."
She said, "They don't want regular people like me," but what she was thinking was, "If Max says so. . . ."
Back home last fall, Shamika filled out her college applications on her own. "My mom's attitude is: 'I'm out of school. I don't remember any of that stuff.' " When Shamika stayed up past midnight working on the essays, her mother would yell: "Come to bed. Nothing's that important."
But something was. In a few weeks Shamika Walker leaves San Antonio for Stanford. She is a little frightened. When she visited the campus in Palo Alto, she noticed all the expensive cars. But she has been to math camp. She knows that Charles Hallford of Brady and Marisol Castillo of San Antonio have done well at Stanford, and Dr. Warshauer has told her, "Shamika, you'll do great, too."
Monday, February 8, 2010
Yeah...That Just Happened
Rando
Too soon?
I never liked you.
My life just exploded.
That's what she said.
That's what he said.
Cucumber water.
Thats how you are gonna live your life?
Just a few things me and my friends say.
Too soon?
I never liked you.
My life just exploded.
That's what she said.
That's what he said.
Cucumber water.
Thats how you are gonna live your life?
Just a few things me and my friends say.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Random Vacation
I happen to have a week off work, which is great because I need to re-calibrate and equalize myself.
I no longer work as a CNA. I have one job, and its at Cracker Barrel. And my availability has me only working during the week so I will have Saturdays and Sundays off. This semester I have history and philosophy and at the end of the school year, I will have earned 6 college credits from Bard College in New York.
People have asked me before if I would just go to another university and sometimes I have to try hard not to give them a sarcastic "Uh, no. Its STANFORD. As in Stanford University in California." But right now, in this moment, I could go off somewhere small and start over. Go to a community college and get an associates then apply to a larger university and graduate from there. Of course, that would take time and I wouldn't have enough financial aid because of the 3 years worth of financial aid the government supplied me with at Stanford.
Le sigh.
So much of my life is unfinished, broken, missing, gone, and so on. This isn't the kind of rut I want to live through my twenties in.
I have been going out to karaoke and played rock band Sunday with an interest to return next Sunday. I have plans to explore both downtown Champaign and downtown Urbana which together don't comprise half of downtown San Antonio, so I can accomplish each in a day and leisurely so. I hope I can manage my time well enough so that once its gone I can look back with appreciation.
I no longer work as a CNA. I have one job, and its at Cracker Barrel. And my availability has me only working during the week so I will have Saturdays and Sundays off. This semester I have history and philosophy and at the end of the school year, I will have earned 6 college credits from Bard College in New York.
People have asked me before if I would just go to another university and sometimes I have to try hard not to give them a sarcastic "Uh, no. Its STANFORD. As in Stanford University in California." But right now, in this moment, I could go off somewhere small and start over. Go to a community college and get an associates then apply to a larger university and graduate from there. Of course, that would take time and I wouldn't have enough financial aid because of the 3 years worth of financial aid the government supplied me with at Stanford.
Le sigh.
So much of my life is unfinished, broken, missing, gone, and so on. This isn't the kind of rut I want to live through my twenties in.
I have been going out to karaoke and played rock band Sunday with an interest to return next Sunday. I have plans to explore both downtown Champaign and downtown Urbana which together don't comprise half of downtown San Antonio, so I can accomplish each in a day and leisurely so. I hope I can manage my time well enough so that once its gone I can look back with appreciation.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Soul Sucking Sadness
I should be taking a nap before work
but I am too ...
sad.
All is frustratingly quiet on the southern front and I don't know whether to jump ship and cut my losses or go tearing down there and pulling a final act in a romantic comedy.
Le sigh.
but I am too ...
sad.
All is frustratingly quiet on the southern front and I don't know whether to jump ship and cut my losses or go tearing down there and pulling a final act in a romantic comedy.
Le sigh.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Am I There Yet?

So I put my 2 weeks notice in yesterday. I decided that I wanted to really make an effort to manage my most challenging time of year mental health wise as best as I can. That means not working full time, working a second job on my days off, and going to class two nights a week.
I cross trained over a month ago as a hostess at Cracker Barrel so I can pick up hours as a hostess and in the retail store. I am also going to be really focusing on getting disability benefits. I believe that not being able to maintain a full time job during the spring every year I would make a great candidate for receiving aid. I'm not like corporations and banks that asked for bail out money only to buy tennis courts for the CEO lounge or whatever. With those benefits, I can comfortably work a few days a week and still pay bills and continue to make headway toward going back to Stanford...next year.
Letting go of this job also releases the plan for returning this coming September. Save for some unforseeable and fortunate turn of events in which large sums of money legally become mine, I won't be in a position to pay down the at least 5 grand I would have to pay to maybe get back in. I am starting to get concerned about when I will no longer be able to simply return with a few forms to fill out. There is also of course the concern for how living life instead of constantly being intellectually challenged will affect my academic success. I know once on campus, there are numerous resources available to students to help them do well. I will naturally take advantage of them, all of them. However, the first few days at Stanford, I wondered in amazement at the blessing that lay before me and the sheer favor from God that placed me there. Though I worked hard in high school and had wonderful grades, recommendations, and records, I still did not know how I surpassed thousands of other applicants. When I return, I will have to come to terms with where I fit with my new graduating class and the peers and fellow students that I will share my classes and experiences with.
Anyway, that is the biggest thing that has happened this past week. Still quiet on the southern front. Valentine's Day is fast approaching...I can only wonder at how I will spend it this year.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
That's What She Said...

So, I figure maybe I will just do a normal, everyday blog entry.
Whats going on in my life, what my current thoughts are, problems I am working through, etc etc.
Just cause.
I have been working as a CNA since the beginning of the month. Its difficult work, and if you don't operate using ergonomics, you can really hurt your back. I find this out daily as my back protests every adult diaper change or shifting someone in bed. I knew going in the nature of the job. I understand that I am a combination of a janitor, a flight attendant, and a nanny. I clean the garbage, take it out, clean up the rooms, and the people, get them ice water, adjust their bedsheets, help them to and from the restroom, get them a snack, put them onto and off of the bedpan, let the nurse know they are ready for some meds, and whatever else arises.
Already, I am wondering how I can manage without this job. I went through all the schooling, took the test, went through interviews. Its not the nature of the job, or the time (working from 10pm to 6am) that I am working. I have been having difficulty adjusting my meds to a nocturnal life, tending to sleep all day, and concerned about working nites along with my humanities course. Before quiting the job altogether, I asked the woman in charge of the schedules if I could have Tuesday and Thursday nites off to try and keep the job and my sanity.
When I first got the job, I was told it wasn't possible. When I told her I would have to put my two weeks in if it couldn't work, she made it happen. I wasn't threatening her, I know I could live without the job. In fact, I seem to be at a crossroad. If I manage to keep this full time job, I could send a few more hundred dollars to Stanford every month and possibly return to Stanford this September. Of course, the current variables are ripe for trouble come this spring when my mental illness shifts to manic and psychotic. I don't want to go through the annual insanity with a new job all over again.
If I just work at Cracker Barrel I will have enough to live on, but not enough to pay down Stanford. I don't want to be a quitter, but I have quit jobs in the past that I knew were not right for me and though it was hard at the time, I was able to move on and would not go back to any of them. I know two other people who tried being a CNA and decided to move on. Most of the people I work with on the night shift have been CNAs for over a decade, some over two. And they were all supportive of me moving on if I felt the job was not working out for me.
I may be able to stay here next year with a good friend and that does bring me comfort. That would mean that I would have lived in Illinois for three years before I go back to Stanford...weird! But, as I have mentioned before, returning to Stanford is my number one goal, but my first priority is my mental health.
Besides working nine nights without a day off and finally twisting my hair, I can't say anything else is going on with me. I haven't been writing as regularly as I originally wanted to, so I am going to write a little more, say, every week.
All is still quiet on the southern front.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Let's Set the Record Straight
I have not updated in a while, but before I get to it, there is something I need to get off my chest.
This blog contains my adventures last year, good and bad, and anything else that may have been on my mind. For those of you who stop through and read an entry here or there, know that a fair share of my foibles can be attributed to the crazy, but the rest I guess are me. I am fun loving, quick to like a person, eager to please, make mistakes, wrong choices, decisions, and so on. What you find here is me, perhaps more than most would care to share about themselves and their past, but its all here. Mostly. However, as much of me as is here, I implore you not to draw all your conclusions about me from one or two pithy entries. A turn of phrase, as good as it may be thank you very much, still may not capture all the facets of a situation or my thoughts. For every update about loneliness and pain, I have happy moments. For every sexy rendezvous, there were regrets, repentance, and lots of showers. Last year was like a Dickens novel, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. This year will most likely be no different. I don't know where the year will take me, but I want to do everything I can to stay sane and off the streets, be it homeless or at a corner.
Now, on to the update.
I started a job as a CNA at the beginning of this month and I think I am gonna have to put in my two weeks already. Its full time at night. Next week classes start and on my days off I am going to be closing at Cracker Barrel. Every year I had gone to the hospital in the spring, I had been working more than one job and doing too much. With my schedule as it is, its a matter of time. A recipe for crazy. I know the place I am working at really needs good CNAs, every place does, but I also don't want to put myself into mental duress over it all. My main goal may be to return to Stanford but my main priority is my mental health.
In other news, all is quiet on the southern front.
What do you think about the job situation? Do you think its better to press on knowing I am jeopardizing my mental health for a chance to return to Stanford sooner or to play it safe and err on the side of sanity and potentially keep myself in Illinois another year? Leave your comments below!
Friday, January 1, 2010
5 Key Principles to Achieving New Year's Resolutions
1. Break goal into smaller steps
2. Tell ppl what you are acheiving
3. Remind self of benefits
4. Small reward for achieving each small step
5. Map out progress
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