That's What She Said...

So, I figure maybe I will just do a normal, everyday blog entry.

Whats going on in my life, what my current thoughts are, problems I am working through, etc etc.

Just cause.

I have been working as a CNA since the beginning of the month. Its difficult work, and if you don't operate using ergonomics, you can really hurt your back. I find this out daily as my back protests every adult diaper change or shifting someone in bed. I knew going in the nature of the job. I understand that I am a combination of a janitor, a flight attendant, and a nanny. I clean the garbage, take it out, clean up the rooms, and the people, get them ice water, adjust their bedsheets, help them to and from the restroom, get them a snack, put them onto and off of the bedpan, let the nurse know they are ready for some meds, and whatever else arises.

Already, I am wondering how I can manage without this job. I went through all the schooling, took the test, went through interviews. Its not the nature of the job, or the time (working from 10pm to 6am) that I am working. I have been having difficulty adjusting my meds to a nocturnal life, tending to sleep all day, and concerned about working nites along with my humanities course. Before quiting the job altogether, I asked the woman in charge of the schedules if I could have Tuesday and Thursday nites off to try and keep the job and my sanity.

When I first got the job, I was told it wasn't possible. When I told her I would have to put my two weeks in if it couldn't work, she made it happen. I wasn't threatening her, I know I could live without the job. In fact, I seem to be at a crossroad. If I manage to keep this full time job, I could send a few more hundred dollars to Stanford every month and possibly return to Stanford this September. Of course, the current variables are ripe for trouble come this spring when my mental illness shifts to manic and psychotic. I don't want to go through the annual insanity with a new job all over again.

If I just work at Cracker Barrel I will have enough to live on, but not enough to pay down Stanford. I don't want to be a quitter, but I have quit jobs in the past that I knew were not right for me and though it was hard at the time, I was able to move on and would not go back to any of them. I know two other people who tried being a CNA and decided to move on. Most of the people I work with on the night shift have been CNAs for over a decade, some over two. And they were all supportive of me moving on if I felt the job was not working out for me.

I may be able to stay here next year with a good friend and that does bring me comfort. That would mean that I would have lived in Illinois for three years before I go back to Stanford...weird! But, as I have mentioned before, returning to Stanford is my number one goal, but my first priority is my mental health.

Besides working nine nights without a day off and finally twisting my hair, I can't say anything else is going on with me. I haven't been writing as regularly as I originally wanted to, so I am going to write a little more, say, every week.

All is still quiet on the southern front.