Love

...so that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and confirms
our courage, and if you wanted to drown you could, but you don't

because finally
after all the struggle
and all the years,
you don't want to any more.
you've simply had enough of downing and you want to live and you want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness,
however fluid and however
dangerous, to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

David Whyte "The Truelove"


I thought that hand was Stephen's. For weeks, months, I have been in limbo with him. Fought it, cried over it, ignored it, accepted it, rejected it, talked about it, prayed about it, debated and argued about it, defended it, hated it.

Now, I am strong. Not necessarily stronger than yesterday. ;) A different kind of strength runs through my weary heart these days. It is a hope and a resolve. It isn't a come what may, because its not that I no longer care about what happens to me romantically. I have simply yielded the desires of my heart to my Lord. Since He already knows, in His infinite wisdom and omniscience, not only what will happen but what will be best for me, I have simply resolved myself to allow Him complete carte blanche.

I first heard that terms years ago used in sophisticated conversation, then in the recent past over the summer living alone during a Wishbone episode about either the Three Musketeers or the book about the ugly Frenchman with the big nose and fantastic wit who helped a handsome young man get the girl he actually loved. At any rate, I learned what it meant then. Its french for blank paper and simply means you have permission to do as you please.

I go back and forth, at least once a week, in my darkness of not knowing what, or who, Stephen may or may not be doing and decide, with a made up heart, one way or the other. I want to stay put, stand firm, step out, simply give up. My friends and family want what's best for me, and waiting for a word from my husband during our separation is not what they feel is best. There are MILITARY WIVES who hear from their husbands more than me. There are ...no, I am not going to go there. Listing the numerous other women who have understandably extenuating circumstances but still have communication with their husbands.

My point is, everyone says I am intelligent, beautiful, gorgeous smile, and deserve a husband who appreciates that. Its no longer a question of Stephen not being Christian or college educated or employed or supporting himself with transportation and his own place. At this point, he is simply not treating me with respect. At least the guys that just wanted to get in my pants would drop me a line every once in a while! I mean, let's get real. If I wanted a lay, I know guys. But I no longer, and honestly never really, want that. If I wanted a date, I could go onto craigslist right now and respond to ads or put one up and have one by Wednesday if not tonight. But that is not where I have had success and healthy suitors or real gentleman.

I want a husband (clearly Stephen has chosen to forgo his title in everything but name). Which means I need to start with a friend. I have to be in a space mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in which I can handle a relationship that may lead to marriage. Until my divorce is final, I won't bother dating or looking for new guy friends. I don't need them. I won't run from them if they come to me, but believe me, its a RARITY if they do. Once the decision is made and final, it will most likely be a while before I feel I have grasped the finality of the divorce and the end of a future life with someone I love..d... :-S

Bah! Humbug!! I am going to play American Idol for the Wii and accept my nannyhood and enjoy my days off. I will update again soon.


Love and be loved people.