Depression Hurts

So, about my mental health. Invega, my anti-psychotic, was causing me to become extremely light headed and dizzy to the point of nearly loosing conscience during my shift at Cracker Barrel on Wednesday. When I called patient advisory at Carle Hospital I was told that I need to lay down and elevate my legs eight inches above my heart or sit with my head between my knees for a few minutes. I knew I had a six hour shift ahead of me and I was very scared because at that time I thought that I was developing diabetes which is a rare but serious side effect. Because I am already black and overweight, two risk factors in, I know that it is a higher possibility for me.

When I told my manager, she was upset and asked, "Well what do you want me to do Shamika, do you want me to take you off the schedule or what? Cause I mean, I'm not mad or anything its just if you leave I have to find someone to cover the floor. We are running a business here. I have been here since 8 o'clock this morning and I have to pick up my daughter right now..." At that point the combination of fright and dizzy made the tears spring to my eyes faster than I could put them in check so when I responded with, "Well the nurse said I could sit with my head between my knees for five minutes..." it came out garbled and strained a little. She quickly and simply turned around and sighed, "I will just start calling people to see who can cover you and you just let me know if you want me to take you off of the schedule."

My psychiatrist was able to let me know the next day that I can stop taking Invega. Now, I have to deal with the thoughts in my head, the visions no one else can see out of the corner of my eye, and the fear at night of the dark and what lurks within it. Thanks Lisa, by the way, for the lamp. I use it and your stuffed mouse every night. ^_^

I have also really settled into the depressed phase. My therapist pointed out that I was moving slower, she had a fancy term for it something like psycho-something motion, and I admitted that I noticed it too. I am more sensitive to people, easily offended, and ready to cry more than I usually am. I also have less energy to do things, especially work. Whereas before I would get up from a nap and bike across town to work for 7 hours now I am sleeping or wanting to sleep all during the day and trying to avoid all the excuses I have saved up to call in to work.

When Shay called to talk to me today, as she usually does, while I was babysitting, I was short with her and my tone of voice was almost annoyed. It was very obvious that I was not myself. She finally asked me, "Have you set up an appointment to talk to Bishop Gwin?" "Talk to Bishop Gwin? Talk to him about what?" Which I am sure came out as a bark. "You just don't seem like yourself and I don't know what medication they took you off of but maybe he can help."

I am scared. I am frustrated. Often I feel lonely. But, most of the time, I am surrounded by friends and well-wishers. I enjoy my church life, fellowshiping and spending time with people I met at the church, my friends and co-workers from Cracker Barrel and State Farm, reading, biking around, knitting, watching documentaries and Biblical Movies from the library, and planning for my bright, have to wear shades, future.