Jeremiah 29:11

Today I had a meeting with Bishop Gwin of the Church of the Living God. I talked to him about the situation between myself and my husband. About how I married young to a Christian that walked away from his faith. I included the year and 3 months separation, the back and forth decision to stay or go, and the advice camps of "You deserve better" "He probably is seeing someone else" "You can do better" "You need to leave him and move on with your life" and "Pray about it" "Pray for him" "Be patient".

Here are my reflections from the meeting:

"Whatever you're doing, inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
This is something bigger than me...
Something heavenly"

"Lord if I'm the clay then lay me down,
on your spinning wheel.
Shape me into something you can fill,
with something real."

"What are my grounds for divorce, spiritually?"

"I still need to uphold my vows"

"Wait on God"

"If the truth hurts, that means its working."

"Tell Stephen I will be praying with him and for him"

"This is an opportunity, a season for me to stabilize mentally, hold a job longer than 4 months, repair myself"

"Tell Stephen to take his time, when he is prepared I will be here"

"Don't bail out"

"May God leave doors closed that were not ordained to be opened by him"

"While married but separate, I can work on building friendships with my brothers in Christ, and other men, that are healthy and that glorify God"

"There are more pressing things in my life than my marriage right now"

"My past episodes may have Stephen hesitant to deal with me now, so I can show him how well I am doing and what I have been doing to grow and learn and improve surrounding my mental health"

"Approach Stephen from the rational and spiritual"
"A father asks his little girl to give him the plastic pearls she has but she refuses, clutching them tightly. Finally, when she reluctantly gives in, he takes them and hands her a beautiful authentic pearl necklace"

PEACE

JOY

LOVE


I once had this option come to my mind, through prayer I am sure, and told it to Lisa. A great friend that one. I told her that I would live my life and wait for Stephen to make the decision about the marriage and wouldn't divorce him unless he presented me with papers. She didn't think that it was a good idea, pointing out that it gave him all the power and that I had no way of knowing how long I would be waiting.

Now, if you have been keeping up at all these past few months, I have gone from promiscuous girl to purity sister as well as adamant about getting a divorce to zen about the situation. I kept thinking that my life was in limbo because I didn't know what I was going to do, how I was going to respond to the continuing incommunication from Stephen. These have all been exacerbated by my manic and psychotic phases.

However, after explaining today to another friend Dan, and defending for at least half an hour the Bishop's stance and my decision today to surrender the situation completely to the Lord, pray about it, and stop pursuing divorce, I realized that I would need to change my thinking about the situation. I cannot control when Stephen will call me, but I can control my response and my thoughts and what I tell people. I can shift my focus from what I am missing out on in my marriage and from my husband to this season in which I am growing as an adult, learning how to handle my bipolar disorder, and gathering around people who are helping me develop spiritually toward my calling.

I still disagree with how Stephen acted last year, and do not think his not talking to me is a healthy way to deal with me and the us matter, however, in the eyes of God and by the state of Texas he is still my husband. I vowed to love, honor, and cherish him till death do us part. I vowed that I would do so in sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poorer. I looked him in the eye in front of friends, loved ones, and his family and friends, and said, "I do." I know that God is doing great things in my life and this may be the way in which He is reaching into my marriage to repair and renew and upgrade and bless it. I also acknowledge that I still may receive papers in the mail anytime now and will have to accept that as well.

Either way, my prayer stopped being about what I want months ago and instead I have been changing my supplication to "Not my will but thy will be done" and since I know God already knows whats going to happen and in his omniscience and omnipotence I have nothing but confidence that the outcome that comes out is the one that will serve me the best in my life.

And if you haven't googled it already, Jeremiah 29:11 reads as thus:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.