I cried this morning. It was an unsettling morning that started at 4 am when I realized I was still not getting a restful nights sleep. By 8 am when I was supposed to get up to go to my therapy session, I knew I needed to get some sleep for my long day so I rescheduled it for tomorrow afternoon. I rolled over, avoiding the shifting of the things around me and the sound of my old new roommate showering next to me and tried in vain to capture that slippery saint of sleep. Shortly afterward, I got a call from a temp agency about a job, then shortly after that my therapist called me about rescheduling. Then I finally got up, did most of my Bible reading, and headed off for a phone interview scheduled by the Social Security Administration. I didn't have something quick to eat for breakfast, so knowing I would pay for it later I left the house determined not to crack.
I made it all the way back to the apartment after the phone call and to my bowl of oatmeal before I split. It was like my brain refused to work properly. I felt...loopy. There were no chairs for me to sit down on so I paced. I made a circle in the tiny kitchen until I wanted to put a hole into the fridge with my fist. There was no real reason to pinpoint the episode. I would just have the chemical imbalance, the lack of dopamine or norepinephrine or too much or whatever. I flashed back to all the relationships severed and friends lost to my mood swings, psychosis, or flat out crazy. Its the memories that put the fear of the future into my heart. The fear that I will end up alone as a crazy bag lady...like the one in the Simpsons. She started off so driven, with such a promising future...but her drive left no time to build relationships with others and soon she quickly burned out and was no longer any use to society.
Maybe people will remember me as that girl who used to be smart but now mumbles mentally strange nonsense to an empty chair in the back of some hospital locked away in the psych ward. I know my mom will visit me...
Its days like today, when I fight the tears but they come anyway, when I have to work but use every ounce of strength to simply get dressed, when I have to see and deal with people but need to keep the smile going to keep the questions away....that I miss having someone with whom I can confide. Cry openly. Someone to hold me without worrying about what time it is and what we look like to those around us.
The tears are meeting at my chin now, but I am in a public place so I must stop, get myself back home for a semblance of a nap before my shift tonight. The loony bin doesn't seem like such a bad idea today...at least there I can color and have a bed to lay on...
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