I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want....

QUICK UPDATE:
I met with the Champaign/Urbana Debt Management and Credit Education center as well as began meeting with a U of I money mentor in order to gain assistance with my financial fitness. The plan has been to save my money for Stanford then pay everything after I graduate with money from the Peace Corps or teaching English in Japan. I would like to get a laptop and a car with my credit alone in the near future and later on begin the emergency savings as well as retirement funds. My idea is by the time I am 30 to have my finances at their optimum and have a home, car, laptop, iPhone, and maybe even a husband. Depending on how long I decide to continue taking advantage of the Americorps or Peacecorps or Amnesty International or whatever other programs are out there like that after Stanford I may never traditionally settle down. I do know that if I am going to have kids, my cap personally is 40 so the clock is ticking.
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My daughter, my sister, my daughter, my sister.....



I decided after Matt called me Thursday nite when he got into town then had to drop me off Friday morning to work and was going to a bar after work that I wasn't going to contact him anymore. I was upset that he seemed to attentive and excited to see me that nite but didn't really seem like he wanted to see me outside of his apartment while he was in town. He did know I was working and babysitting most of the weekend and that I wouldn't be free again til Sunday but he didn't make plans to try and see me again before he left town while we were together and I haven't heard from him. So as of Friday morning I am no longer engaging in any kind of relationship with Matt. Sadly, he is off the list.

Auld Lang Syne plays in the background:

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old times since ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we'll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine^† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

B, which is my new name for Hippie, and I have been spending time together, unfortunately he is falling for me, his words, and I keep telling him that I don't want to get serious with anyone. I mentioned to my best friend Lisa that he reminds me of my husband in many ways, not Christian, intelligent, smart, good looking, funny, friends who are kind of rando and a little immature who also drink and smoke (and even do drugs). B is a white rapper, very into african cultures, and used to do drugs himself. Weed and opiates. He still smokes, drinks regularly, and works construction with his dad. Not at the moment, but he will. He is also registering for school. The thing is, I don't see myself having that adult relationship that I want with him.

If I were still a freshman in college, then yeah, I might have tolerated him and our differences. But after everything I have gone through, I am looking for more than just a good looking smart guy. I had a list on my old phone of what I wanted from my next relationship, but that phone had to get turned in and I couldn't transfer it, so I will recreate it as best as I can in my next blog.

Even though I have only met Mark once in person, I am already eager to escape the duldrums of drama I have found myself in as of late and grasp a new, crisp, clean, green, unadulterated, pure, alright I am out of words there but you get the idea, friendship uncluttered with make out sessions on couches and whispered questions beneath sheets and guilty walks of shame eventually to my apartment door.

I called Stephen on Monday, right before my money mentor appointment. He txt me back saying he was in an interview, would call later, and apologized "for being so flakey lately". He didn't, by the way, and he has 20 days to talk to me over the phone, or email specifically, what he wants to do. The clock is ticking, and the papers are in my room, untouched and blank, but I know where and how to file them and am prepared to do so expediently.



CRAZY, I WAS CRAZY ONCE, THEY PUT ME IN A ROOM, A RUBBER ROOM, WITH RUBBER RATS. RATS? RATS MAKE ME CRAZY. CRAZY? I WAS CRAZY ONCE, THEY PUT ME IN A ROOM...


I am at the library right now and this morning I talked with my grad student therapist at the Family Services Center. She reminded me that I recently started researching my bipolar and wanted to get more books about it from the library and find good websites and online resources. There were 3 books I read last time written by bipolar women, one of which was married to a depressed alcoholic and also had an eating disorder but she was going well, and the one I really liked was written by a girl my age who spoke with others our age who were treating their bipolar. Here are the books I just checked out:

Detour: My bipolar road trip in 4-D by Lizzie Simon

Acquainted with the Night: A Parent's Quest to Understand Depression and

Bipolar Disorder in His Children by Paul Raeburn

The Bipolar Handbook: Real-Life Questions with Up-to-Date Answers by Wes Burgess, M.D., Ph.D.

Living Well With Depression and Bipolar Disorder: What Your Doctor Doesn't Tell You...That You Need To Know by John McManamy

Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.

Madness: A Brief History by Roy Porter

Madhouse: A Tragic Tale of Megalomania and Modern Medicine by Andrew Scull

Blue Genes: Breaking free from the chemical imbalances that affect your moods, your mind, your life, and your loved ones by Paul Meier, M.D.

Everything in its Place: My trials and triumphs with obsessive compulsive disorder by Marc Summers [Yea, him!]

The past few weeks I have been feeling anxious at night, sometimes having more energy than usual, other times feeling very lonely and sad or jonesing for someone to be with, and sometimes, especially if I am hanging out with someone, I will have rapid mood swings from happy, excited, or the like to feeling easily hurt or devastated about something simple. I am also seeing things that aren't there, nothing major, but like out of the corner of my eye if someone is talking to me and making facial expressions my mind will interpret their expression in a way other than its original intent. If that even makes sense. Often times when I am overcome with feelings or urges to do something, usually its a sensual urge to touch or be touched, I am alone and have to calm myself down. A few weeks ago, I spent almost 2 hours having a purely mental orgasm from such feelings. I was on the phone with my friend Scott, bi guy that works at CVS and got me my air mattress with his discount and we go riding at night sometimes, for the first time and it was so insane. I was trying to control my breathing but eventually I couldnt' hold it all back and ended up coming for about 5 minutes straight. I had to wash my underwear and luckily didn't mess up my friend's couch since I had been babysitting there earlier and she was gonna take me home the next day.


That sort of thing has happened to me before in life, where my mind is having sex with my thoughts or something and I am just an innocent bystander. Usually its not as hard to ignore and doesn't go that far but that night, I guess since I was on the phone with a guy and it was late at night and once he caught on to what I was going through thought it would be great fun to bother me about it in the worst way however an increases sexual appetite is something that ppl with bipolar "suffer" with. I made out/fooled around with 2 guys when I was with and living with my husband, one in Japan when he couldn't come with me and the other time when we were living with his parents and he worked at night, slept during the day, and we didn't do ANYTHING at all. Barely anything anyway. I was desparate, but I told my husband that I was going to meet this guy and I did tell him about fooling around with the other guys, both times remembering and thinking that I wished it was him that I could have been doing those things with.

Victor confronted me when I got in last night about where I had been sleeping, since I hadn't been at the apartment, and I told him I had been babysitting, working, and was invited to dinner Sunday nite and watched movies and stayed over there. He is concerned that I am getting too distracted. I am starting to feel like I am in high school again. I know he is doing this very awesome thing for me so I can go back to Stanford and he has rules in order for me to take advantage of it, however, I don't want to sit in my room or play games online at the library when I am not working anymore. I want to go out and knit, meet people for lunch and dinner, go out to the movies, skating rink, Japanese Tea Gardens, drive around, walk around, whatever. I can now say I have friends here in Champaign, Shay is the girl I babysit for and she has 4 kids, 3 girls and a boy, Scott is the bi guy from CVS, and there are a few people like the married guy Chip or the older gentleman John, and the girl Tasha who gave me a ride earlier this year who I talk to occasionally. I am starting to have a life here in Champaign, and just when its getting good, I run into this problem with Victor. We talked and he and I are cool now, but in the future, once things are legally over with me and Stephen, chances are good that I am going to be in some sort of relationship that includes hanging out and meals and stuff and Victor told me after Vday when he saw the bouquet that Matt got me and me hugging him at the door as he was leaving that I am not supposed to be dating. I would hope that after 6 months of me being here and now starting to work that we can begin to look at the current situation and renegotiate.


With that, I am going to finish watching the new Simpsons episodes then go on to write the blog that describes what I want, don't want, and what I am looking for in my next boyfriend/fiance/future husband/father of my children/you get the picture.


Shout out to all the people besides Lisa and Mark who read my blog, don't tell my mom!! Thanks. ;-)