U P D A T E


Matt told me to basically find someone else, he was into me physically but didn't think he could return the feelings I seem to have for him and he didn't see how he could make things work. I am getting his bike from him when he gets into town this weekend, so I am glad that I will benefit from the relationship. It would have been nice to continue on a path of hanging out and fooling around, but I am glad that ... I don't know... I am not going to get myself caught up and make life harder for me should I be in a position to leave in September.

Mark and I had dinner at Merry Ann's diner on Sunday evening. I had to work earlier that day at Cracker Barrel, on my feet the entire time, and right before my shift my roommate asked me to pick him up some throat spray. Victor never calls me, so he must have been feeling pretty crappy to actually ask me for it. So on the way home, I knew I could either meet Mark ontime but in my Cracker Barrel uniform and get the throat spray later or get the spray, go home and change, then walk the ten minutes to the diner. Since I haven't been home a lot lately, and I didn't want to wear out my Cracker Barrel clothes, I got off the bus at the CVS and picked up the throat spray. I walked to the apartment, ten minutes, changed and left the spray in the restroom, the walked about fifteen minutes to the diner. Mark had only waited about five minutes, but I was winded, flustered, and had gotten a txt from my friend Shay about babysitting for her that night at 8:30pm. It was 6:45pm. I told her I would call her after we finished dinner and that it shouldn't be a problem. I had planned on stopping by B's because Tricia, Duckman's friend, (Duckman is one of Bs roommates along with Paul(Paulie or Walnut) and Shannon(a guy who is also a white rapper, well he is actually a DJ who goes by Text) was cooking and I figured a nice snack after dinner with them would be fun. Mark and I went dutch and had cheesburgers and fries. He even got a milkshake with his where as I had a cinnamon roll with milk. Actually, I asked for a cinnamon roll and the waitress brought a cross between a pecan swirl and a danish. We talked about education, race, and black hair. Mark raised a great question, why anthropologically did black people's hair develop the texture it did while non-black people's hair developed the way it did. I told him that I wanted to use my dissertation on answering questions about black hair for people who aren't black then turn it into a book, then a course at a college and be a professor. One of the several career choices in my life.

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The others include:
-an elementary school teacher-
Being around small children is a joy for me and I have been told that I am good with kids and would make a great teacher. I like the possibility for projects and fun learning stuff and getting into the basics of education just for myself. Do you know what a past participle is? Do you know what the gerund of a verb is? That kind of thing.


-an english teacher-
English was always my favorite class both because of the books we read and the words I learned from those books or in general. I also thoroughly enjoyed the essays and discourse. The exegesis of classics or contemporary pieces was thrilling and engaging and really brought the best out of me academically. My fondest memories of school surround learning Latin, studying the Roman Empire, Transcendentalists, U.S. History, and collaborations between English and History class. I think of Drew Barrymore in Donnie Darco or the teacher Drew Barrymore falls in love with in Never Been Kissed as examples of how I would teach.

-a math teacher-
I always had a knack for understanding math and physics (which is essentially a combination of sorts of both math and science) and seeing as how I was involved in the Pre-Freshman Engineering Program for 3 summers before participating in Texas State Honors Math Camp for 3 or 4 summers mathematics would be a logical choice to teach. Not many people enjoy math or even like it and teaching it would be like pulling teeth but I would like to introduce concepts with passion and projects and fun games and activities as much as the curriculum would allow.

-an inspirational/motivational speaker-
I have always enjoyed speaking in front of people and would think that speaking for a living would provide a way for me to be creative and tape into my charisma and help people on their path in life. I envision Beth Moore or Joyce Meyers as role models because I would want to focus on Christian life but I would target myself to Christian Youth and be a cynosure in their spiritual journeys. I would also of course write books to reflect my talks and even perhaps provide biblical study guides or journals or something fun for teens and young adults to do in order to add to their own personal bible studies.


Careers that I once considered were
-financial advisor-
Help people, usually low income and minorities, get their finances in order. I was gonna get certified to do taxes as well so that I could take advantage of that season, but I think there was just more I wanted to do with my life and it seemed more practical to be knowledgeable about finances than something I was passionate about doing for my life. I even tried to be an economics major while I was at Stanford. That only lasted two quarters. I have been doing my own taxes since I started back in my freshman year and have been budgeting and taking care of my credit well. It wasn't until summer 2006 when I got a bunch of credit but suddenly didn't have a job so things have steadily gone downhill from a strong 660--680 credit score and thousands in credit to who knows what and about $10,000 in credit card/medical bills/student loans. After I graduate from Stanford, the idea is to teach English in Japan with the JET program or join the Peace Corps and when I get back to the states use the money I have to pay everything off and rebuild my credit from there by buying a laptop and getting a car eventually in my own name with money from my bank (Bank of America)

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Mark and I enjoyed our discussion but my phone died so as we were leaving I realized that I couldn't babysit for Shay and I felt horrible. I didn't want to go home, even though Tricia told me she would only be at Duckman's until about seven or eight and it was already past nine. I ended up hanging out with B.


Loneisha, a girl that works at the Cracker Barrel Country Store with me, invited me to have soup and salad at Olive Garden Monday so I went and invited Shay, feeling bad that I couldn't babysit for her. I had to return some clothes and needed her to show her IL driver's license since I didnt' have a receipt so we did that after lunch, then I went to work. I have started to feel more and more comfortable hanging out with B and his roommates so I find myself thinking of that place as a second home. It was funny cause during the lunch, us three God fearing, church going women were rolling over our current trysts and dude drama. I had so much fun talking and laughing and enjoying the meal and I felt normal and good for the first time in a while that didn't have anything to do with a guy. I suddenly missed Stanford and Lisa Smith and the life I envision myself living sometimes is slowly becoming a reality.





F I N AN C I A L G O A L S

I have a money mentor through the University of Illinois and we met last week Monday to figure out what I was looking for from her, Tiffany, and what my short and long term financial goals are. Its pretty simple really.


Short Term Goals:

Save up enough money to return to Stanford University

Long Term Goals:

Pay off debts
Build Credit
Set up 3-6 months emergency savings
Buy laptop
Buy Car
Start retirement savings





M E N T A L M E or B I P O L A R B E T T Y or C R A Z Y K A T H Y....


I went to my therapy session this morning and found out about a bipolar support group that meets every Tuesday evening. I suddenly realized that I am at a point here in my Champaign life that I could either devote all my time to solely working and saving money or I could start cutting back on my hours in order to devote more time to my mental health. Basically not having a day off with two jobs is already having a lot to ask. I am in the process of applying for U of I extra help which guarantees a set schedule during the day at full time 40 hours a week at @ least $9 or $10 an hour. I would rather work during the day and away from a quota centered position dealing with cold calling, even if it is for market research and I get snacks for meeting my goals. I had always wanted a clerical position and believe I would work best in an office environment. So hopefully that goes well and I am able to switch jobs and only work CB on Saturdays and Sundays and have my evenings during the week free. I would need to modify my Wednesdays to keep the current therapy sessions at the same time, but prayerfully I will have everything ironed out by the end of the month.



Speaking of the end of the month...



Stephen has until March 31st to respond to me. If he doesn't, I am going to move forward with filing a petition for divorce. Its painfully clear that we are not going to reconcile and it does not seem as though he is wanting to even communicate with me about the fact that that has changed. I called him last week and he responded with a txt saying he was in an interview and would call later, and he apologiezed for "being so flakey lately". The last time I had called and he txt me he was setting up health insurance and would call later. Both times I waited to no avail. My glasses needed to get repaired in San Antonio so about two weeks ago I needed him to send me my old glasses. I called and left a message and sent a txt and told my mom that he was going to give them to her to send to me. My mom said she would try and get ahold of him too. He ended up calling her back but didn't bother to call or txt me back. When he gave my mom the glasses, she mentioned to him that I have been trying to get ahold of him and his only response was that he had been busy.


I have 3 treatment goals that my therapist and I outlined and agreed upon this morning and one of them is coming to terms with my feelings about the divorce and figuring out what I am looking for in my future relationships. I have already gone through the process and 5 stages for dealing with the loss of a life (married life with Stephen) and am now simply waiting for the end. Soon, perhaps in a few more weeks after things have settled somewhat, I will begin to look eagerly ahead and what lies before me in general and in love. Lisa brought up the idea that I could meet someone at Stanford and I hadn't even thought of that. She also wisely asked me what it was I was looking for, not necessarily in a boyfriend or husband, but specifically while I am here in Champaign. I had to pause and really ponder that, because I hadn't directly considered it.


It wouldn't be fair to get emotionally and physically involved with someone exclusively only to leave in a few months. As much as I enjoy spending time with Mark and B and Matt, the survivors of my brief "dating girl" period, it really would be best to just keep hanging out and not developing anything stronger than good friendships. I doubt that they would move to California with me and continue on a path toward a deeper and more serious relationship and I doubt that I would return to Champaign after I graduate to be with any of them. So, I am resolving myself to focus on my mental health and saving money for Stanford and whatever free time I do have I want to fill it with good company and healthy friendships. Prayerfully my recent manic symptoms of mood swings, staying up later than I should, pressure to do something, anything, seeing things in ppl's expressions that aren't there, and generally freaking out will soon be dealt with by my psychiatrist in the upcoming weeks and I will make it through April without a severe psychotic episode/panic attack/anxiety attack/or manic attack. Once I make it over that hump, the summer will begin, sanely, and I will be a mere season away from Stanford.