U P D A T E
The past few days have been filled with both good and bad. Thursday and Friday I didn't go to my state farm job because I felt anxious and was experience a sensitivity that I associate with mood swings and didn't feel as though I could handle getting hung up on for a few hours at a time. Unfortunately I believe I will have to stop working at State Farm as a preemptive measure in order to avoid the usual demise of my mental health in the spring.
Thursday nite I got Matt's bike and ended up hanging out with him and playing boggle. It helped me calm down after leaving my shift fifteen minutes in. I was taking the bus home, thinking about the awesome sock I lost just that day, and decided to met him at Steak n' Shake then go get the bike. The server told me about a great dessert not on the menu, it was the best dessert I have ever had in a restaurant, and I can only go there to get it since no one else is gonna serve it to me. Anyway, earlier that day I had been hanging out with B after working at Cracker Barrel and attended a talk by David Whyte, a great poet and speaker about work-life balance, but B didn't want to go so I went alone. Later that nite, Tricia, B's roommates's girl, who I have been hanging out with, wanted me to get together with them, but I told her I was already hanging with someone. B asked her to ask me if I was coming over and even emailed and got someones phone to call me, but I missed the call and took a while to respond to the emails.
Ok, so Saturday morning Matt is telling me that he has to go into work but can be there anytime before noon, but I insist that we go because I sense that he is just telling me that in an effort to get me to take a little time on him. Lo and behold, when we did leave shortly thereafter he seemed really pissed and in a hurry. Instead of having him take me and the bike home, I had him drop me off at a bus stop and go on his merry way. We had talked the nite before and he told me all the things a girl wants to hear-almost-about how pretty and smart I am and how much he likes to hang out. He did get me to have a beer, but since I don't like to drink beer and I don't really drink at all I was having a hard time with it. He thought it would help me calm down, and even offered me a cigarette. I declined but did try to take the smallest of puffs, again at his insistence, and could feel the benign cells in my body leap to attention. So he wanted to fool around, I tried to play things off, and did manage to sleep, but like I said the next morning I was poked awake and wasn't having it. And my stomach was not feeling well.
As he was driving the few minutes to the bus stop, he made a sharp comment about how slow people were driving and seemed tense, last night was all jokes and stuff but the mood had clearly changed, and that's when I told him to just drop me at a bus stop. When he turned around, the expression on his face startled me. He seemed almost livid. He was supposed to have been at work at 7:30 that morning, that's what he told me the nite before, and as soon as I woke up, a little before that, I was trying to convince him to get going. I still felt responsible and decided, I am glad I stopped trying to pursue this guy and have the bike, which came with a helmet and a pump. He later emailed me saying that he just isn't used to being around people, that he is usual by himself or around his co-workers, but either way I didn't feel comfortable with the mood swings and the way he could be intimate with me but not like me. That just burned my biscuits so even though I accepted his explanation, I don't forsee me trying to salvage any sort of friendship with him. Despite his intelligence and ability to make me laugh and blush and all of that, I am starting to think he is a charmer and damn good at it, in an effort to get in my pants and want to have no responsibility outside of that. I don't know. I am SO OVER GUYS WHO ONLY WANT TO GET IN MY PANTS BUT SOMEHOW KNOW HOW TO SAY THE RIGHT THINGS AT THE RIGHT TIME TO GET ME TO PUT MY GUARD DOWN!!!!!!!!
*inhales*
*pauses to re-align chakras*
B wants to be my boyfriend, gets jealous and insists that I have "another" boyfriend anytime I get a text message. He also tries to get in my pants almost every time we are hanging out. He drinks, smokes cigarettes, plays around a lot, randomly raps out loud like while people are just chilling, explains things using either physiological reasoning or african/arabian cultural terms or customs. He says random things like, "I am feeling kind of Roman today" or "My sympathetic system is being inhibited" and all kinds of other things. I mean, he has an expansive lexicon and is verbose but for the most part usually uses words correctly but sometimes mispronounces words. I heard that is something that children do when they are trying to learn how to read and are eager in their efforts so they develop their own pronounciations (usually gifted children). He is a very good looking guy and can be considerate. Whenever he does something I don't like and call him on it or try to tell him I don't want to get physical he makes a comment like, "Ok I won't try anymore" or "Ok I'm sorry" but his apology sounds like, "Fine, geez". Grrr, ugh, mahatma!
So yesterday, Saturday, B and I biked to a Wellness Fair. We had to bring our bikes inside because we didn't have locks, he didn't have money for one and I hadn't yet had a chance to go buy one, and while I was getting a physical he was holding my stuff. He flipped through my new notepad and found the words from the Boggle game. My academic need to date and title each page that I use seemed like a good idea at the time but only caused B to jump to conclusions and when I got out of the room he handed me my things and said he was gonna go. I didn't understand why he left until I looked down amongst the pamphlets and flyers at my notepad opened to the page with the date and "Shamika vs Matt" angrily circled. After I left the fair with a physical, blood pressure and sugar levels, and info about breast cancer, a church in the area, and additional resources I could use for my mental health, I biked to Needleworks to spend the rest of the afternoon loosing myself in knitting. I finished the washcloth that I began forMatt but then promised toB but Tricia said she wanted and started on a hat for myself with a skein (listen at me, I sound like a really knit bitch!) of beautiful yarn. Mark had been there that morning, I had just missed him.
I finally made it back to my apartment, my Cracker Barrel shoes on the handle bars and my see through Cracker Barrel bag with my uniform hanging from the strap of my packed messenger bag. I pulled the bike into the apartment, took a shower, put on clean clothes, cleaned my room, put together a bag of laundry, taped my check stubs on my door (helps show Victor that I have been working and how much I am making) I ate some leftover pizza from Wednesday at State Farm that one of the managers gave us for reaching our goal then I left out to Meijer to use the in store credit I got from returning shirts without a receipt to buy a lock and perhaps a few of the toiletries that got stolen last week inside the bag my mom bought for me from Vegas from the Lincoln Square bus stop. I ride my bike to the terminal, take the 100 N Yellow to Meijer, and call the store and ask if I can keep my bike inside since I am there to buy a lock. I put it in the front of their photo studio and proceed to spend the next at least two hours walking around looking at all the items and assessing what I want and what I need right then. I knew I needed a new bath towel, body lotion, and a bike lock which are all items I ended up purchasing. I was going to get deoderant, body sugar, foot creme, a body brush for the shower, a chair cushion to use on the coffee table when I am playing video games, a teddy bear to cuddle with at night and help me sleep and calm down, dental floss, a lucky tree with a small spray bottle to water it, a green folder and a green notepad for organizing my financial paperwork and working with my money mentor, toothpicks-clear tumbler for growing the avocado seed Tricia gave me when she made guacamole from scratch, and I think that was it. In the DVD/technology section, I perused the laptop prices and asked one of the Meijer associates if he knew where the bike locks were. He walked me to the back wall that had "BIKES" in large letters and pointed out the various accessories for bikes the store held. We ended up shooting the breeze until he got called by his manager, and then about fifteen minutes later I came across him again and asked him about tumblers or glass containers I could use for the avocado seed so we walked around the store a little bit looking for those kinds of items. I thought he was younger than me, nice looking, funny, helpful, and found out he is Christian and was home schooled, he hasn't gone to school yet because he doesn't know exactly what he wants to do, and he gave me his name to add on facebook, his idea. "You should look me up on Facebook" were his exact words. I believe that is today's equivalent of "Call me sometime" or something. I mean, it was clear that he was enjoying the conversation, I was sure to allow him to take control of it so I couldn't blame my mania or something for putting too much into the situation or causes undo advances on the young man.
Now while I was doing my browsing in Meijer, Tricia txt/called and said she wanted me to hang out with her tonight at some bar/club and I told her I would be about an hour since I had to take the bus back to the terminal and drop off my stuff. Eventually she had Duckman come pick me up. B was with him, I am thinking he is either wanting to find out what really happened between me and Matt or he just wants to "make up" or something, I don't know, but they took the front wheel off my bike and loaded it up and we headed to a place called the Chill and Grill or something in Urbana across the street from a McDs on Cunningham. They had Karaoke and I instantly knew I would have a great time. I didn't, however, expect that at the end of a awesome nite of dancing and singing (several people complimented me sincerely though since they were drunk I did take it with a grain of salt) my friend Tricia who seemed cool would not be so cool as a legless (Australian term for drunk) tittie flashing, forehead licking, lip biting, breast grabbing, fight picking, give me my keys force to be reckoned with. Even her best friend, Rihanna, a girl she has known since she was 8, was trying to calm her down and leave the parking lot but to no avail. I didn't want her to drive and I certainly didn't want to ride with her so when she finally let her friend leave I was sitting in the driver's seat of her brother's unlocked car looking for the keys. I couldnt' find them. I hoped she didn't have them. Duckman wanted to make sure we got home alright and I told him I would look out for her.
As she got back in the car and tried to convince me to get out of the driver's seat since she knew she was okay to drive, all I could think about was "Friends don't let friends drive drunk" and "Buzzed driving is drunk driving" and all the bad experiences I had with family members who were drunk or high and I tried to hold back my tears as she called Duckman to pick her up. She went back up to the bar and they found her keys and Duckman showed up and gave her a cigarette to calm her down. I was about to take the bus home but she got into the driver's seat and he said, "So I'll follow you guys." I had hoped to ride back with him, and though I could have simply walked away with my bag and bike and not looked back, I sighed, said a prayer, and stepped into the passenger seat. On the way home, she did drive somewhat recklessly and wanted me to sit in the car with her. At this point, she was wearing my sweater and I was cold, hungry, upset, and tired. It was well past 2AM and I knew I wasn't going to take the bus home. I barely talked to B at the club, but I did perform Aretha Franklin's Respect "at" him and the crowd really enjoyed that. I also did "Lady Marmalade" and "Ordinary People" and in between people either dragged or encouraged me onstage to help them sing "Always" and "Come Back Home" I think it was with Kid Rock and some chick. I also did background dancing for a few songs to help some guys and danced during the songs in between. Outside in the patio area I had walked through and saw B arguing rather harshly with a young lady and later Duckman told me that they were both drunk and B almost got into a fight. He also told me that B really likes me but thinks I have another boyfriend but that I am always welcome at his place and he thinks I am a really nice person and should definitely go back to Stanford. He is also a rapper, very good, and has a following.
I got out of the car and while Tricia peed against the side of the house, I went around and knocked on B's window to avoid needlessly waking up the other roommates and he let us in. Duckman arrived a few minutes later and I went out to his car to get my things. I was so tempted to just bike home right then and there. It had taken both B and Duckman just to get it into the car and with just me I knew after a few failed attempts that I would have to go back in and ask B for help. Just as I was about to close the trunk and head back inside, B was just reaching into the car to start getting the bike out. I helped and he did eventually get it out and the front wheel back on. We went inside where he had heated up some leftovers for me and I put some crinkle cut fries into the oven. I watched Princess Mononoke the last two times I was there but still hadn't seen it through to the end so I put that on while I ate the leftovers and waited for the fries.
During the movie B and I had yet another "talk" about us in which he conveyed conflicting and contradictory feelings toward and about me. I just let him talk as he assumed I was screwing Matt, "sucking dick for a bike" was the phrasing he used to come up with a little diddy on the spot, and talked about both how sometimes he wasn't attracted to me but wanted to tell me that he loved me, how he wanted to make things work even though I have delusions, and thinks I could be good for him just as he could be good for me, and on and on. Eventually he ran out of words and I asked him what he wanted to do. He already knew how I felt about the situation, leaving back to Stanford most likely in September doesn't leave much time for a serious relationship and will only be cruel for both parties (like Ugly Betty when Betty and the accountant guy tried to be together before he left for Tuscon to be with his girlfriend and her baby). He said that he wants to just be together while I am here and see what happens then.
The more I think about it, the less I can see myself making a relationship with this guy when we are so clearly not on the same page about the fundamentals in life and I do not need to settle or succumb to avoiding being alone with just anyone. I have to be very careful about the people that I surround myself with and the list of people who are positive and good for me and want to see my succeed and who share my values and outlook and passion and drive in life are mostly not here.
On Friday morning, B's mom wanted to pick him up and take him to lunch and grocery shopping. He invited me to come, and at first I declined simply because I had never met his mom before and would feel out of place with their Mother-son bonding excursion. But he insisted that it would be alright and asked her if it was ok. She wanted to know if I had money for lunch, making sure I guess that I wasn't some kind of scrub, then said it was alright. After taking him to meet a pastor who wanted to buy one of his electronic things, we went to lunch at Steak n Shake and she ended up paying for us all. I got 3 mini burgers, the Frisco one is really good, and fries for $3.99 and I can't wait to go back there and get them again! They were really good. We went to Home Depot, since he had a $50 gift card there, but he was looking to get food so his mom bought the card from him and used the money toward food at Sams. We also went to Target so he could use his gift cards there for a few items. He told his mom that I was really good for him, that I hung out at his place all the time, and he didn't know why I was hanging out with someone like him. Both his mother and I were on the same wavelength all day, basically mothering him and wanting the best for him, for him to act like a gentleman (opening the door for us like his grandma told him-his mom) and getting the best bargain for the purchase (both me and her at Sams doing price comparisons and assessing meal options as opposed to impulse buys and such). I think he wanted me to meet his mom, and he wanted his mom to meet me, because he is serious about me and wants to be serious with me. After he left me at the fair, I sent him an email explaining what happened with the Boggle game and his email response was,
"... I am here if you wanna stop by, maybe we can go out later
As far as you and I, I guess strictly platonic is better"
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Guess who I just saw wheeling a cart of books past the quiet room...Mark! Turns out he is volunteering here today and I stepped out and told him I really did feel bad about my alarm not going off this morning and missing our rendevous at Cafe Aroma in downtown Champaign at 11. Turns out that I also didn't have to work at Cracker Barrel today even though I was gonna call in and ask if it was ok not to come because it was slow so Sherri, my manager, called me and woke me up a little after eleven. After I got off the phone with her I txt Mark and left B's but he didn't have his phone with him and just left. So I proceeded to explain that I don't know why my alarm didn't go off, actually now that I think about it I believe with my new phone I have to actually set it to on after I edit it, it doesn't set it to on automatically like my old phone. Anyway, he asked how long I was gonna be here and if I wanted to grab a coffee in the cafe in half an hour. I told him yes! No on to the rest of the blog.....
D E A R D I A R Y . . .
B just called me from Duckman's phone asking me what I was up to, I told him, quietly, that I was at the library and he proceeded to tell me he had gone to the Urbana library and printed off a bunch of resumes. He then wanted to know what I was doind today, I said I had only planned on doing laundry and knitting and he said he wanted to know because he didnt' know if I was going to be coming over there later or not but that he guessed he would try to catch me later. See, he was basically asking me to come over and since I didn't specifically offer, "Oh hey, yea I am coming over", he figured I didn't want to and seemed kind of disappointed but I didn't try to correct him or offer solace because I am seriously debating as to whether not I should go on with him and the world in which he lives. Like most hippie/alcoholic/druggie/hardcore people they are "really good people" they just pop pills and smoke weed and tobacco and drink a lot. I am not a part of that scene and really have no place there.
In my family, I was the beacon of light and hope with my good grades and desire to help change the world for better and my faith and committment to the church and its such a hard position to be in. Everyone looking to me to remain morale and good in order to ride my coattails, so to speak, to heaven. If I ever wanted or seemed to want the kinds of things that were more their speed, they were that much more adamant that I not start. Both Stephen and Matt said they didn't want me to start smoking but both of them smoke. My mom offers me drinks at her house and doesn't mind because she knows that I know she drinks and can remember well when she used to drink a lot with her cousins and such but the one time I outright asked for a drink, she didn't want to give me one.
Earlier that nite I was at my inlaws and my brother in law Andrew, the one I was dating in high school for a month and then a year later started dating his older, "more handsome and intelligent" brother and eventually married, offered to drive me to see Stephen then drop me off at my moms. At that point, he was still engaged, he is married now, but was talking about how Stephen didn't make it through boot camp because he was too home sick and missed his girlfriend at the time. The entire time I was in Andrew's truck, he is a marine, I kept thinking of what might have been. He had grown into a strickingly handsome rugged young man and even though he reserved his charm and sparkling personality for the lucky few he so chose, I had heard about it and gleaned that he could be a really great guy when he wanted to be. So when I did get back to my mom's house, I felt like I needed a drink. I asked her for a drink, and she gave me this befuddled look and gasp, "What? What are you talking about, you need a drink? What happened that you need a drink?" I guess that's not the kind of sentiment that she would understand with her background and her familial experiences. Needless to say, she wouldn't let me have one.
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Let's take a break from my current life and talk about something else. I feel like I can really open up with you and amidst the tv show that has become my life, I want to step outside of my current situation and explore some things I have been thinking about in terms of where I want my life to go and what I want to do...
J.E.T Program - Teaching English in Japan
I am no longer into the whole Japanese thing, it seems like a passing fancy at this point in my life. I mean, if I don't graduate with a job and for some reason don't make it into the Peace Corps (See below) then I will do it but I no longer feel the passion I once did about the language and the people mostly because I have lost my connection with it the same way I had on campus with the various courses and student groups I was involved in that kept it in the forefront of my experience.
Peace Corps
I called Chicago and had them mail me the information. For the past 4 months I have been entertaining the idea as an option for after Stanford and before...life...and it seems like I could enjoy youth and community development in Jamaica or Education in Asia for 2 years. I just have to be mentally stable for at least a year before which makes this next year very important. I want to be mentally sound in general but this is just another treatment goal, to be able to join the peace corps with my bipolar under control.
Inspirational/Motivational Speaker and Author
A few short months ago, MLK day actually, I sat at the U of I Bookstore and bought a black notepad and decided I would work for the US as an Abassador abroad. I was quite serious about it for... a day. I am discovering that grandiosity for me might include career paths. After Matt dropped me off Friday morning I met an army chic and she and I talked about life off the beaten path, not having gone straight through college, not being married with kids and mini vans, and what we wanted to do. I told her about being passionate about youth and especially young Christian women and wanting to help guide them in their spiritual journey as I would want to be even now. So after that conversation, I started to once again consider whether or not a life of writing books and speaking around the country would fit my life after the Peace Corps or Teaching in Japan. It does. I will start looking into it seriously in the next few weeks.
So I am off to have coffee with Mark and begin a new week. As always, thanks for reading and I'll keep you posted
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