Barn burned down, now I can see the moon.

U P D A T E

Stephen has gone AWOL again, after going out of his way to convince me he wanted to reconcile and did not want me to go through with the divorce. When I truly needed him to show me that he was willing to support me, amidst deciding treatment options and new meds and doctors, he decides not to contact me from Thursday morning to Saturday afternoon when, after calling and leaving messages during that time I finally send a text to make sure he is ok and I don't need to call his parents, he sends a text back and says,

"My brother came into town" "Sorry I haven't responded"

I text back, basically, that I didn't want his sorry, I wanted an explanation. I was having a serious situation happening with my mental health and needed him to help me decide if I wanted to go back to San Antonio, whether or not I should go to an emergency room...I mean, I know he isn't a medical professional and I obviously made the decision myself, but I wanted to involve him, lean on him, have him be my go-to-guy as my newly reconciled husband. This was his first chance to show me how much he was willing to do in order to make up for completely bailing on me last year. Well, his reply was something along the lines of, "Well, sorry is all you are going to get. I only get to see my brother once a year." His brother, Andrew, is in the Marines, recently married, and currently stationed with his wife I believe in the northeast. Stephen knew his brother was coming for Easter weekend as a surprise, so I didn't understand why he wasn't able to keep the lines of communication open with me.


It is now Thursday and since Saturday I have been leaving voicemails, sending texts and voice sms messages, and getting no response. My therapist and I talked about it on Wednesday and she admitted that she was frustrated along with me about his behavior and how contradicting it is from his words. I still haven't heard from him. I talked to Dan Kim Sunday, he actually called me out of the blue about my facebook status because he thought something bad had happened. He asked me what my inner voice was telling me and what I thought the highest good in my life right now would be. He also pointed out that the universe may be trying to tell me something about my husband and going back to Stanford. I conceded that I did want to go through with the divorce and would want to just move on and allow a man into my life that wants to be in it, along with all the other qualities and traits I have expressed.

We talked for a few hours and I found out he is going to medical school soon and is in San Antonio, TX. He didn't finish Stanford in 4 years and ended up going back and changing his major. Also, last night at Cracker Barrel a woman and I talked, she was very cool, about taking time off college and going back. She went back and changed her major then went on to get a Masters. She encouraged me to pursue a degree that would help put me into the type of career and profession I actually want to do. She was into math and computer science but once she got to number theory, it wasn't so fun anymore. She changed to business, mastored in business with a finance concentration and loves her work. I would go back to Stanford and major in English, going the writer route, or...hmm....I would have to look at the majors again to figure out what else but being a professor in "Black Hair" I have several majors and graduate programs to choose from.

So yeah, since I am back in this weird limbo with Stephen in which I want to leave the relationship and start dating but at times, especially when I see a couple on television or a mixed kid, I want to work things out and get back to good so to speak. I could start looking into the peace corps or teaching abroad in Japan again if Stephen isn't going to be in the picture.

Also, I have decided, again, to stay here in Champaign, IL, and not just until August. It may be cheaper and more beneficial for me to stay here, find a place through section 8 or something like that, and keep working at Cracker Barrel. There is a summer youth program that will find me work and give me job skills so I am going to look into that as well but for right now, my manager is going to try and get me to 24 hours a week so that I qualify for benefits. I will also be able to afford the two payment plans I currently have: $525 on the 15th of every month to Stanford and $25 on the 1st and 15th of every month for Wood Hollow Apartments.

I like Church of the Living God, the adult bible study, the sermons, the choir, and the youth. Right now, my friend stays right behind the church in an apartment complex but she is looking to move soon. Either way, I have a bike, I will be looking to exercise and eat healthier to loose weight and lessen the severity of harmful side effects to my meds and I am getting new clothes and shoes, something I seem always to do around the spring after or right before I go crazy. This year, however, I am not simply adding to my dismal wardrobe. Rather, I gave the goodwill everything I couldn't fit and/or didn't flatter my figure. I am going to build a wardrobe that does flatter my body, things that I can fit and wear well and wouldn't mind wearing out with friends or just out and about.